Clark & Heptner (The Suburban Rob Rossis)

My Xmas Firing Wish List oh and by the way...I am 12 Years Old

2009-12-11T00:04:00.010-05:00

For those you you that read and are familiar with the Puck Huffers, they do some fantastic things with, I dont know what the fuck program, to make their pictures all "blingy", sparkly, and 21st century looking. I always love the work girls. Keep it up.

I, learning how to use a computer on an Apple IIC (one step up from a punch card Eniac...look it up dumbasses), I dont have the skills, know-how, or patience to figure that shit out. Consequently, I offer you my version of bling, compliments of Microsoft Paint and my third grade mind.

I NOW GIVE YOU MY XMAS FIRING LIST

First and foremost is Bruce Arians with a big pile of my Chinese dinner shit on his chest. I have wanted this guy gone since he came. The Steelers won the Super Bowl in spite of him. And now his lack of coaching skills is much more apparent due to an injury plagued and under preforming defense. Thankfully, the Browns lost should have sealed his fate. You smell like Gen. Tso's.

Second, there is Mike Yeo. The guy who "coaches" the Penguins "Power Play" to a 28th ranking out of 30 teams. Yes, this all with Crosby, Malkin, Gonchar, Guiren, etc., etc., etc. This guy should have been gone last year. As I have stated before, Mario should sign Mario to a one year deal, and have himself coach and play on the Power Play. And when I mean play, thats it. Sit on the bench and wait until a power play. I would give up a roster spot for that magic. Oh, and to get back to Yeo...change your shirt son because you smell like my piss.

I know this guy is probably not a pedophile, but look at those eyes. That is the stare you get when you take the lollipop off the man hanging out of the white windowless van. If you do not know this guy, this is Bob Ligashesky, the Steelers Special Teams coach. Enough said because they are special.

Last, but not least, Larry Zierlein, the Steelers Offensive Line Coach. This line has been a pile of shit since Russ Grimm left (come back Russ!). They cant run block, the cant pass block, hell they cant cock block. And by cock, sorry about all the Gooey McSpoogie (c) on your face. I was looking at my hard right Republican momma Meagan McCain. Feel free to pull the pants down guys....and girl readers for that matter. And if you are a girl and obeyed my recent command, tell us all about what/how you are doing in the comments section. Thanks.

Oh yea, and I almost forgot, some old school Samantha Fox.

Week 14 NFL Predictions

2009-12-09T22:43:00.004-05:00

Playoff races are heating up in Week 13 and the picture should start clearing up soon.

THURSDAY

No comment; the Browns are a team that is probably better than their record indicates. Sure they are 1-11 but they have been in every game since the bye week, plus they have Brady Quinn at QB instead of Derek Anderson, whom I've always believed was a closet Steelers fan because he loved throwing to them. BROWNS WIN!

SUNDAY

Cincinnati has had a hard time the past three weeks against inferior teams, even dropping one to Oakland, and might be on the verge of another Bungles collapse; Minnesota was flat out embarrassed at Arizona on Sunday night and will be looking to secure the #2 seed in the NFC Playoffs. VIKINGS WIN!

Miami has been on a tear in the last month to be within one game of the AFC East title and the AFC Wildcard, even without their starting running back; Jacksonville has a playoff spot right now and is undefeated against the AFC East. JAGUARS WIN!

Detroit has given every AFC North team a game this year and even beat the Browns but they still only have two wins; Baltimore's playoff chances took a big hit when they lost in Green Bay on Monday Night so they need this game more than the entire state of Michigan. RAVENS WIN!

Ryan Fitzpatrick only passed for 98 yards last week in a lost to the Jets so apparently Dick Jauron wasn't the reason the Bills suck; after two surprising wins the Chiefs have given up 43 and 44 points in the last two games. Someone has to win. CHIEFS WIN!

Denver easily could have folded after a four game losing streak and falling out of first place but to their credit they won their last two and are still in 5th place in the entire conference; Indianapolis continues their improbably run to perfection with a no name receiving core and a banged up defense. COLTS WIN!

Carolina is 0-3 against the AFC East and now have to go up against the first place team who now has a chip on their shoulders; the Patriots have dropped three of their past four with the Golden Calf at QB so they are guaranteed having as many losses as last year without him at the helm. PATRIOTS WIN!

Seattle only seems to do well against their own division which isn't saying a lot seeing as how they get to play St. Louis and San Francisco twice a year; a once promising season has completely gone by the wayside as the Texans have dropped four straight. TEXANS WIN!

The Jets have lost Mark Sanchez for this game and possibly the remainder of the season based on the fact the Jets have a very slim chance of making the playoffs; Tampa Bay's only victory this season came at home against a team wearing green uniforms. Coincidence? BUCS WIN!

Green Bay is white hot and have won their past four straight with the biggest coming on Monday Night against the supposedly formidable Ravens; Chicago was able to snap a four game losing streak last week against the Rams, but the fans are still about ready to run Jay Cutler out of town. PACKERS WIN!

New Orleans needed overtime to beat the lowly Redskins and might be on the brink of losing their perfect season; the Falcons only lost by 8 points in the first meeting but the only two victories they have had over the past 7 weeks were against Washington and Tampa Bay. SAINTS WIN!

St. Louis' only victory this year came on the road so that's at least something; the Titans dug themselves too big of a hole by losing their first 6 games and now their playoff hopes are pretty much gone after losing their 7th game last week. TITANS WIN!

Washington has lost their last three straight by a combined 7 points including taking the undefeated Saints to the limit in overtime; Bruce Gradkowski had the game of his career last week but unfortunately for him William Gay and Ike Taylor don't play for the Redskins so he won't be nearly as effective. REDSKINS WIN!

San Diego has rattled off 7 consecutive victories including several blowouts but had to hold off a late rally by the Browns last week to keep their AFC West lead; the Cowboys couldn't beat a depleted Giants team last week and now the talk is about firing their head coach which most players are against which could lead to inspired play. COWBOYS WIN!

The Eagles have won three straight and are now tied with the Cowboys for first place in the NFC East; the Giants were able to get past the Cowboys last week but they still have way too many injuries and have already been blown out by the Eagles once this year when everyone was still healthy. EAGLES WIN!

MONDAY

Arizona dropped the first game of the year to the 49ers but have gone 8-3 since with last week's Sunday Night victory over the Vikings possibly being their biggest win; the 49ers dropped a tough one to the Seahawks and are now pretty much completely out of the playoff picture. CARDINALS WIN!

Week 13 NFL Predictions - The Results

2009-12-08T23:29:00.004-05:00

Blah, blah, blah. Ike Taylor is having a Pro Bowl type season. Blah, blah, blah.

I knew what I was talking about with the games I won. The Jets kept their faint playoffs hopes alive by beating Buffalo; the Colts stayed perfect by sweeping division rival Tennessee; Denver destroyed Kansas City as I predicted; the Bengals walked past the Lions; San Diego had to hold off a late rally by the Browns; the Saints needed overtime to beat the hapless Redskins; Chicago outlasted the Rams; the Eagles smoked the Falcons in Vick's return to Atlanta; Carolina held Tampa Bay without a touchdown in their victory; Seattle needed a field goal with no time on the clock to beat San Francisco; and the Packers smothered the Ravens on Monday Night Football.

What can I say about the games I lost? Do you really think I'm going to talk about that first one? The Golden Calf and the genius head coach lost to a team barely in the playoff race on a late field goal; Houston can never pull it together to beat Jacksonville; a long punt return for a TD killed the Cowboys against the Giants; and Minnesota's ancient QB got outplayed by Arizona's ancient QB.

Let's see how I did with my predictions from Week Thirteen:

The Glorious Bastards (or teams I said would win and they proved me right!)

The Sons of Bitches (or teams I said would win and who shit the bed on gameday!)

Welcome To My Nightmare

2009-12-07T23:57:00.006-05:00

First off, if you read my labels under the Week 13 NFL predictions you would have noticed the little gem that said "if the Steelers lose to Oakland I'm shutting down the blog". Obviously, I never thought that would happen but unfortunately it did. I honestly considered just hanging it up but I'm not a quitter. I'm not a gambling man and usually only bet when I think I'm going to win. Who knew the Steelers would have a monumental collapse even worse than 2006? Not I.

So I'm basically saying that I am not keeping my word. I'm still going to blog, but it should be noted that I am still holding my boycott against watching and reviewing the Steelers until they fire Bruce Arians. Now, on with my nightmare.

Ok, this is truly my nightmare. Sarah Palin holding any kind of position in the United States Government makes me physically ill. I just keep telling myself that Freddy Kreuger isn't going to get me either and that is the only way I can sleep at night.

My other nightmare is the Pittsburgh Steelers win the rest of their games and somehow make the playoffs. Let that sink in for a moment. Got it? Good.

I'm sure the first question you have is "why?" followed by "aren't you a Steelers fan?" then "why would you want them not to win all their games and make the playoffs?" The answers to those questions are simple and can be lumped together. I'm a Steelers fan who is looking at the long term health of the franchise and I want them to lose out the remainder of the year so the Steelers are forced to fire Bruce Arians at the end of the year. If the Steelers win out and finish 10-6 and back into the playoffs, people will forget how much of a douchebag Arians is and keep him on for another year. Enviro and I have both stated that the Steelers won last year's Super Bowl in spite of Arians, not because of him.

Enviro and I have talked at length about the playoff picture and we both agree a team is going to need at least 10 wins to get in this year. The 10 win criteria automatically eliminates Buffalo, Cleveland, Houston, Tennessee, Oakland, and Kansas City from contention. That leaves 10 teams vying for 6 playoff spots. So what are the odds that the Steelers could make the playoffs? Let's look at the playoff picture in the AFC shall we:

Indianapolis already has the AFC South all wrapped up and will more than likely be the #1 seed. Remaining games are Denver, @ Jacksonville, New York Jets, and @ Buffalo. Should win at minimum two of those games, possibly all four. Could knock out Jets and/or Jaguars.

Hold a one game lead over Denver in the AFC West. Remaining games are @ Dallas, Cincinnati, @ Tennessee, and Washington. Will win at least two of those games and should finish no lower than 11-5. Cannot help the Steelers at all.

Cincinnati has a three game lead in the AFC Central and will win the division easily with a perfect 6-0 record. Remaining games are @ Minnesota, @ San Diego, Kansas City, and @ New York Jets. Could lose two of those games and finish at 11-5 which would win the division and make them an automatic lock for the playoffs. A win over the Jets would eliminate them from the playoffs.

New England leads the AFC East, but only by one game, and their 7-5 record does not guarantee them a post season birth like the other three teams above them. Remaining games are Carolina, @ Buffalo, Jacksonville, @ Houston. They should be able to win all four of those games and finish 11-5. Beating Jacksonville would be the only thing that could help Pittsburgh.

Denver is currently 8-4 and holds the first Wild Card position. Could still win the division if San Diego falters and they win out. Remaining games are @ Indianapolis, Oakland, @ Philadelphia, and Kansas City. Will win at least two of those games and finish no worse than 10-6 which should get them in the playoffs. Only Denver losses can help the Steelers.

Currently holds the last Wild Card position at 7-5. Has no shot at winning the division so they have to get a winning record in the last fourth of the season to have a shot. Remaining games are Miami, Indianapolis, @ New England, and @ Cleveland. Can only lose one of these games, but could potentially lose two which would drop them from playoff contention. Miami will be fighting for their playoff lives, Indianapolis will be fighting for perfection, and New England might have to win their division to make it. Might finish the year 8-8 and out of the playoffs.

Baltimore suffered a huge loss on Monday Night Football tonight, their sixth of the season which puts them on the cusp of being eliminated. Remaining games are Detroit, Chicago, @ Pittsburgh, and @ Oakland. Will have to win out to make the playoffs but I highly doubt it. If the Steelers win out that means the Ravens will have their 7th loss and be out.

In the same boat as the Ravens with six losses and having to play the Steelers. Remaining games are @ Jacksonville, @ Tennessee, Houston, and Pittsburgh. Miami has to play two other teams battling for the playoffs and I don't see them beating both. One loss and they are out, which might happen as soon as next week.

Another 6-6 team that doesn't have any more losses to give if they hope to make the playoffs. Remaining games are @ Tampa Bay, Atlanta, @ Indianapolis, and Cincinnati. The Jets aren't that good to win out the rest of the year and will probably be the most likely to not come out of this season with a winning record.

Pittsburgh dug themselves this hole and they are going to need a lot of help to get out of it. Remaining games are @ Cleveland, Green Bay, Baltimore, and @ Miami. If the Steelers win out, they will eliminate both the Ravens and Dolphins themselves leaving just 8 teams fighting for 6 playoff spots. The Jets are going to lose at some point too so it's really more like 7 teams fighting for 6 playoff spots.

So, do I think they can pull it off? No. They are going to lose at least one more game, probably against Green Bay, and will be sitting at home watching the playoffs just like they did the last time they won the Super Bowl. I don't think it is entirely out of the realm of possibility that they finish 7-9. I think the teams that will make it will be Indianapolis, Cincinnati, San Diego, New England, Denver, and Jacksonville. San Diego will somehow win the AFC title which will cause my brother-in-law to go into a conspiracy theory seizure. I'd probably be pulling for the NFC champion in that contest.

So anyway, the point of all this is that the Steelers don't win more games than they lose and that the 'fire Bruce Arians' movement picks up some momentum. That is what I want for Christmas.

If You Didn't Know The Pens Were Going To Lose This Game Then You Don't Know Pittsburgh Sports History

2009-12-07T22:47:00.006-05:00

The worst team in the league. A team that hasn't won on the road all year. A backup goaltender. Add all three of those things together and you should have a recipe for an easy blowout win at home. But for those of us who have been watching Pittsburgh sports for almost three decades now, it was in fact the recipe for disaster. For whatever reason, when other teams are down and out and a Pittsburgh team is better than said team in every way, the bad team always wins. I can't explain it nor will I ever understand it.

I knew early on this game wasn't going to go well. You had Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber constantly talking about how Ray Whitney and Eric Staal always have big games against the Penguins. Did it surprise anyone that each would get two points and one of them (Whitney) would score the game winner? It didn't surprise me as these jackasses in the announcers booth constantly point out bad things that happen to the Pens. It's getting to the point I would rather listen to a dentist's drill for the entire game instead of suffering through those two idiots.

Carolina came to play in the first period and the Pens were completely not ready for them. I don't know if they thought Carolina was just going to roll over or what. They should have realized that the Hurricanes still have a chip on Bill Cowher enormous chin after getting their asses handed to them in last year Eastern Conference Finals. It didn't help the Penguins cause that Marc-Andre Fleury was softer than a roll of Charmin during the first 20 minutes of play. The goal he gave up to Andrew Alberts of all people was downright embarrassing. I've seen dead people move quicker than Alberts but there was Fleury flopping around like a fish in a boat. The second goal was iffy, could have been a good shot or it could have been because he went down too early. The third goal was another awful goal to give up. It honestly looked like he just quit on the play, like the whistle had blown or something. When Fleury plays like this we always lose.

The Pens got into the game shortly after Whitney scored with Sidney Crosby and Mike Rupp chipping in goals 49 seconds apart. Unfortunately they wouldn't get any closer, even with a couple of power plays. Ha, I'm just kidding, getting power plays is a joke. We can't score on them. It's actually taking away time from our 5-on-5 game. I wish penalties could be declined like in football because with Mike Yeo calling the shots we're better forgoing the two minutes of fishing the puck out from behind our net and trying to stop the other team from scoring. Oh well.

Next up the Pens travel to Montreal for the first time this year to face the Canadiens. The Pens have notched two home victories against Lemieux's hometown with Crosby leading the way with 4 goals and an assist in those two games, which pretty much means they are going to get annihilated. Montreal is currently in fourth place in the Northeast Division.

Notes: Crosby is only the third Penguin in history to score 20 goals in their first five seasons (Lemieux and Jagr)...Crosby didn't score his 20th goal last year till January 31st...Rupp now has a career high 12 points to go along with a career high 9 goals...the Mike Yeo coached power play is now 7 for 75 (9.3%) during the last 19 games and is currently ranked 28th in the league...at least Chris Bourque is no longer with the organization.

If That Was A Stanley Cup Preview Then We Are Going To Be Celebrating Again Next Year

2009-12-05T23:07:00.005-05:00

I know the title of this post may seem inconsistent with the end result of this game seeing as how we lost in overtime. But if you watched the totality of the game and actually know something about hockey outside of the fact they play on ice, then you will understand the Penguins are better than the Blackhawks. Period. Yeah, I know, they have Patrick "I Beat Up Cabbies" Kane, Jonathan "Eddie Olczyk Wants To Suck My Dick" Toews, and Marian "I Can't Buy A Stanley Cup" Hossa on their team, but after that they have nothing. And while Antti Niemi played absolutely out of his mind tonight, he did so against a team without Sidney Crosby and also greatly benefited from the refs calling absolutely nothing against the Blackhawks. Pittsburgh had 1 power play that lasted 23 seconds. That doesn't happen in the playoffs.

These are the types of games that stick in my craw. Oh who am I kidding? All losses stick in my craw. I think the thing that most upsets me is the fact we had numerous opportunities and the bounces just didn't go our way. There were numerous times a player would be wide open and the pass would skip off the ice or just be out of reach. Or how about the amount of times we hit the post? Sergei Gonchar, Mark Mark Letestu (who played a tremendous game), Tyler Kennedy all hit the post and there might be one in there I missed. Or how about Jordan Staal missing an empty net not once, but twice in the same sequence. I know he scored the tying goal with 92 seconds left to at least give us a point, but if he would have scored there we might have had a chance to win in regulation.

The one thing the Blackhawks were better than us was during 4 on 4 play. For whatever reason, traditionally Pittsburgh sucks in these situations and I have no idea why. Both Chicago goals came when only four players were on the ice. The first by Hossa when both teams had a man in the penalty box in the first and then the game winner by Kris Versteeg in overtime. You would think our skill level would relish the opportunity to play with more ice but I don't think our system is conducive to playing that style. We are the best 5 on 5 team in the league, which is enough for me because the majority of the game is played in those types of situations anyway.

Next up the Pens finish off this home stand against teams from cities whose name start with 'C' when they host the league's worst team, the Carolina Hurricanes. The Pens needed to go to the shootout after a third period collapse during the first meeting back in October. The Canes would go 0-9-3 after that contest until finally winning again. The Canes are in last place in the entire league.

Notes: The Pens lost in overtime for the first time this year...Letestu was the only Penguins player with a winning percentage in faceoffs...Staal played in his 250th consecutive game, of which probably only 15 were any good...Ruslan Fedotenko only has 1 goal in his last 17 games...the Mike Yeo coached power play is now 7 for 72 (9.7%) during the last 18 games and is currently ranked 28th in the league...since Bill Cowher betrayed Pittsburgh to root for the Canes in the Eastern Conference Finals last year Carolina is 6-21-5.

Don't Judge A Game By It's Final Score

2009-12-04T23:21:00.004-05:00

I did not watch this game at all. I was out drinking with my friend and since it is Must See Thursday on TV, my DVR is completely filled up to the point where I can't record the game. I could tape the game on another TV, but that would actually involve using a physical tape. And who does that anymore?

So anyway, in the middle of getting hammered, I receive my Penguins update text message saying the Pens won by a score of 4-1 and Sidney Crosby had another two goal night. Based on that score and Sid scoring two goals, I figured it was an easy victory that they just got to coast through, especially since Colorado played the night before. But apparently those assumptions couldn't be further from the truth. Minus out two empty net goals and it looks like we were in a dog fight to the bitter end. It's a dog fight we won mind you and that is all that really matters.

Since I didn't see anything outside of the highlights (how awesome was that pass from Mike Rupp to Crosby?) I really have nothing to talk about. So, that's it I guess.

Next up the Pens welcome back Marian Hossa and his new team, the Chicago Blackhawks. In typical Hossa fashion he scored two goals in his first game back from injury but hasn't scored a goal in four games since. The last time we saw him the Pens were shaking his hand in the loser line after Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. Chicago dropped a home game tonight against Nashville but are still in first place in the Central Division.

Notes: With an assist in this game Mike Rupp has tied his career high in point total (11) in 22 fewer games...Crosby has 11 points in his last 3 games...Marc-Andre Fleury only had to make 15 saves which was the fewest saves he has had to make all year for a victory...it took Brooks Opril until January 13th of last season to get his 10th assist but he accomplished the feat over a month earlier this season...the Mike Yeo coached power play is now 7 for 71 (9.9%) during the last seventeen games and is currently ranked 28th in the league...the scoreboard should show the scene from "The Prince of Thieves" where the Sheriff of Nottingham is getting ready to ravage Maid Marian.

Show Me A Swedish Bikini Model And I Will Show You A Professional Golfer Who Is Tired Of Fucking Her

2009-12-02T23:23:00.009-05:00

Before we get started here and so you know who I'm talking about, this is Tiger Wood's wife:

Her name is Elin Nordegren and she is originally from Sweden where she was a model. While not technically on the Swedish Bikini Team, she did do a lot of bikini modeling. Remember when the Swedish Bikini Team was the epitome of hot chicks? Not for me because I've never been a big fan of blonds, but to a lot of guys they were their fantasy girls. I'm not saying I would have kicked them out of bed for eating crackers, but I'm more of a raven haired or Asian chick kind of guy.

I'm getting a little off topic here. Everyone knows by now that Tiger had his car accident in the wee hours of the morning and then refused to talk about it. Speculation immediately starting flying that the reason the back window of his Escalade was broken out was not because Elin was trying to save him but because she was furious at him after finding out about an affair Tiger was allegedly having with Rachel Uchitel, a nightclub manager that was in Australia the same time Tiger was for a golf tournament.

This chick would have to be pretty hot to cheat on a Swedish bikini model, right?

Other than the big fake tits and the seemingly prime dick sucking lips, I'm not sure I would take her over his wife. She is a brunette which is a huge plus, but there is something really off with her eyes. Just look at that first picture. It is as if someone was doing a ransom note and cut two different sized eyes out of a magazine. That freaks me out just a little.

Well, Ms. Uchitel denied an affair but Tiger's troubles didn't end there. Something else started brewing today which lead him to release the following on his website:

"I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.

Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.

But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. I realize there are some who don't share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one's own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn't have to mean public confessions.

Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it's difficult.

I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology."

Nice of you to blame everyone but yourself there Tiger. Anyway, the trouble that was brewing was a girl by the name of Jamie Grubbs, a Los Angeles cocktail waitress, came out and said she had a 31 month affair with Tiger and had proof to back up her claims. Grubbs said they met when she was 21 and over the course of their relationship they got busy at least 20 times. That might not seem like a lot but when you are playing in tournaments all over the world while trying to keep your wife happy at home, that doesn't leave a lot of time for the nookie.

Grubbs produced text messages from Tiger that read:

“I will wear you out…when was the last time you got (bleeped)?”
“Send me something very naughty…Go to the bathroom and take (a picture).”

Text messages can be faked, but then she dropped the old "I have a voice message from you telling me your wife knows and shit is about to go down". You can listen to the voice message here.

Well if Tiger is going to wear some chick out, she has to be hot, right?

Based on the first two pictures I would say no because she just looks like a club slut. But in the last two pictures she looks really cute, probably because she looks more normal and down to Earth, which is what I like. Based on the last photo alone, if she worked in my office, I would have a crush on her.

But wait, it doesn't end there. Another chick has surfaced as a potential hole for Tiger to drop his ball in. Kalika Moquin, a marketing manager for The Bank nightclub in Las Vegas, has reportedly played the skins game with Tiger any time he comes to Vegas. Does this guy have a chick in every city he plays golf? So what does Kalika look like? She has to be black, right?

Woof. This has to be a Monica Lewinsky situation going on. I mean, he had to step out of his room and see her just sitting there and since he was tired from playing just said "That'll do pig".

Of the three, I would go for the second one, which also turned out to be the one who has all the incriminating evidence on him and the one who ran to the press with her story. The fact that he didn't think this could happen to him just speaks to his arrogance. I mean, really, don't you think that the moment you scorn your mistress she is going to run and tell your wife or the press? He has made $750 million dollars during his career but that doesn't mean the sex is going to come without a price. Every guy pays for having sex with women. Some just have to pay more than others.

I'm sure we haven't heard the last of this story and chicks are going to start coming out of the woodwork, maybe even a few dudes. I don't want to see the chicks Tiger was fucking in the South because based on the Kalika chick, he'll fuck anything that moves.

Hey Tiger, get some standards will ya? And go fuck yourself, you arrogant prick.

Week 13 NFL Predictions

2009-12-02T22:36:00.004-05:00

Playoff races are heating up in Week 13 and the picture should start clearing up soon.

THURSDAY

The Jets have very slim playoff hopes which really hinge on winning out and they have to start against a divisional opponent they've already lost to this year; Terrell Owens only had 13 yards in the first contest and has only gone over 100 yards once this year. JETS WIN!

SUNDAY

Oakland is 1-0 against the AFC North which is the only division they have a winning record against; even though Bruce Arians is still the offensive coordinator and Bob Ligashesky is still the special teams coach of the Steelers I cannot in good conscience pick them to lose to the Raiders. STEELERS WIN!

Tennessee is looking to do an amazing feat of losing their first six games to turn around and win their next six games; the Colts already have the AFC South title wrapped up but I have a feeling Manning wants to go undefeated. COLTS WIN!

The Patriots got embarrassed on Monday Night Football but can pretty much wrap up the division by beating a team they already beat back in Week 9; the Dolphins are another 5-6 team who have to win out to have a chance but are going to have troubles with Ronnie Brown. PATRIOTS WIN!

Denver watched a 3 game lead in the AFC West evaporate to a game behind in the manner of weeks; Kansas City could do Pittsburgh a huge favor by beating the Broncos but will probably get blown out like they did last week against San Diego. BRONCOS WIN!

Houston has dropped three straight with the worst one coming last week after losing a 17 point lead to the Colts; Jacksonville went into Houston back in Week 3 and walked out with their first win of the year. Both teams need this win to keep their playoff hopes alive. TEXANS WIN!

The miraculous come from behind win against Cleveland has been the only bright spot for the Lions this year; Cincinnati is only their way to winning the AFC North for the second time in the last five years and should have no trouble winning out the rest of the year. BENGALS WIN!

New Orleans showed they were for real by smacking the Patriots on MNF; the Redskins have only been able to smack their dicks together after losing 6 of the last 7 games. SAINTS WIN!

St. Louis has one win this year and it came against the Lions, which might actually be the low point of the Lions season; Chicago had high hopes with Jay Cutler at quarterback after beating the Steelers back in Week 2 but they've only won three games since and have lost their past four straight. BEARS WIN!

Philadelphia is a Jekyll & Hyde type team because you never know which team is going to show up; Atlanta was able to win their game last week but lost starting QB Matt Ryan for definite and possibly starting RB Michael Turner as well for this game at least. EAGLES WIN!

Tampa Bay couldn't hold a lead last week against Atlanta nor could they stop a back up quarterback from conducting a game winning drive; the Panthers have dropped two straight to AFC East teams and will be glad to face a divisional opponent they have already defeated on the road this year. PANTHERS WIN!

The San Diego bandwagon had a ton of people before the season, then everyone jumped off after a 2-3 start, and are now back on after winning six straight and taking over the AFC West lead; Cleveland actually was in their game last week against the Bengals but just don't have enough talent on either side of the ball to be a threat to anyone. CHARGERS WIN!

Dallas is without a doubt the weakest of any of the divisional leaders and the constant bitching within the team is eventually going to be their undoing; the Giants just have too many injuries and are not the same team that went into Dallas in Week 2 and spoiled their home opener. COWBOYS WIN!

San Francisco benefited from the Jaguars coaching staff forgetting their balls on the plan and electing for field goal attempts instead of touchdowns last week; Seattle's only two wins within the division have come against the Rams. SEAHAWKS WIN!

Ironically after their only lost to the Steelers it was the Vikings who went on to greater success as the Steelers crumbled under the weight of a retarded OC; Arizona's three game winning streak came to an end last week against the Titans and they will probably be sending Matt Leinart back out at QB since Kurt Warner is having eye issues. VIKINGS WIN!

MONDAY

Baltimore got revenge on the Steelers for beating them last year three times but it really was only against the third string quarterback and no Troy Polamalu; the Packers have won three straight and are right in the middle of the playoff hunt in the NFC. PACKERS WIN!

Week 12 NFL Predictions - The Results

2009-12-01T23:29:00.004-05:00

Blah, blah, blah. Ben Roethlisberger is a pussy. Blah, blah, blah.

I knew what I was talking about with the games I won. The Bengals are headed for their second division title in four years with an easy win over the Browns; the Colts stayed perfect by rallying to defeat Houston; the Chargers absolutely destroyed the Chiefs (which makes you wonder why the Steelers didn't do the same thing); Baltimore got lucky that Bruce Arians is still the offensive coordinator or they would have lost to a third string quarterback; Green Bay feasted on an over matched Lions team; Dallas had no trouble with Oakland on Turkey Day; the Eagles barely survived against the Reskins; the Falcons had a costly win over Tampa Bay; San Francisco held the Jaguars in check; the Vikings got to laugh at the Bears for the second time this year; and New Orleans proved they are a force to be reckoned with during the playoffs as they crushed the "not so formidable anymore" Patriots.

What can I say about the games I lost? The Dolphins should be embarrassed they got blown out by Buffalo; the Giants are falling apart after dropping another road game in Denver; the Panthers couldn't find their offense against the Jets; the Rams are truly terrible; and Arizona allowed Vince Young of all people to drive 99 yards for the winning score.

Let's see how I did with my predictions from Week Twelve:

The Glorious Bastards (or teams I said would win and they proved me right!)

The Sons of Bitches (or teams I said would win and who shit the bed on gameday!)

Wreckx-n-Effect To Rewrite Their One Hit And Call It 'Rupp Shaker'

2009-11-30T23:02:00.012-05:00

I'm never going to question Ray Shero again.

Back in July, I posted this about the signing of Mike Rupp. If you didn't click on the link, it was basically a rant as to why I didn't like the signing of Rupp since we already had fourth line guys and we had key free agents not signed at that point (if you can call Ruslan Fedotenko and Hal Gill key). But here we are, a third of the way through the 2009-2010 season, and Rupp is tied with Evgeni Malkin for second on the team in goal scoring. Let that sink in for a moment.

Rupp is tied with Malkin for second on the team in goal scoring.

Unbelievable. Now, I realize this is an anomaly and eventually Rupp will fall back into the pack of our goal scores, but as of right now he is outscoring everyone except the Big Two. If you would have told me that back at the beginning of the season I would have smacked you in the face and pissed on your shoe for lying to my face.

As for the game I didn't think it was nearly as chippy as I expected it to be after the complete ass kicking the Pens dished out on Saturday night. The Pens seemed to be the more aggressive team and were finishing off checks left and right, with Brooks Orpik standing out as the main guy throwing his body around. Even when situations seemed primed for a big fight, nothing happened, mainly because Donald Brashear turned into a big pussy and literally ran away from Eric Godard at points. The only punches Brashear was man enough to throw was at Tyler Kennedy. So if you play for the Rangers you either have to jump someone from behind or pick on someone half your size.

Nothing really happened in the first outside of our power play looking even more pathetic than normal and actually giving up more chances than we were generating. Enviro and I both had a laugh at Tweedle Dumber (Paul Steigerwald) actually saying the power play has been good recently. Not sure what team he has been watching.

Marian Gaborik struck first for the Rangers when he was allowed to stand all alone in front of the net and get two clean chances at the net. Marc-Andre Fleury made the first save but didn't have a chance on the second as Kris Letang failed to knock Gaborik off the puck. The Pens responded just 10 seconds later when Sidney Crosby took a chip pass from Bill Guerin and sent a high, hard back handed over Henrik Lundqvist. Four minutes after that Rupp went to work in front of the net. An initial week shot by Jordan Staal was smacked at twice by Rupp and it eventually went behind Lundqvist. Towards the end of the period while on the penalty kill Staal got a breakaway but it typical Staal fashion he completely fucked it up and it lead to the Rangers coming back and scoring. Gaborik was once again allowed to stand in front of the net and chipped in an easy goal. Neither goal allowed by Fleury was his fault, which rarely happens.

The teams were back and forth in the third. Daniel Girardi ran Rupp from behind, causing him to smash into the boards and he had to hobble to the dressing room. The ensuing power play did nothing, but just under six minutes after he went off to have his knee looked at, Rupp returned and basically took the puck end to end for the game winning goal. Staal and Kennedy drove to the net and the Rangers left Rupp all alone. Big mistake for the suddenly potent goal scorer. He ripped a shot over Lundqvist's glove for a new career high in goals. Crosby would notch his second about five minutes later when he deflected a point shot from Mark Eaton then Rupp would close out his first career hat trick when he fired a shot from the defensive blue line and into the empty net. It amazed me that he made the shot because the Pens normally can't score into an empty net when they are at the offensive blue line. Maybe they should start shooting long range more.

Perhaps the best part of the night was when douchebag Dan Potash interviewed Rupp after the game and Rupp called out Sean Avery for being a pussy. I can't remember what he said exactly and it's nowhere on the internet as I write this, but it was something along the lines of "They have a guy on their team who wants to start something and then hides in this game because he knows we have guys who don't forget that kind of stuff." I'm going on NHL.com and ordering my Mike Rupp jersey as we speak.

Next up the Pens host the Colorado Avalanche on Thursday. The Avalanche started off the year red hot with a 10-1-2 record but have since come back down to Earth going 5-7-3 since. However they are 6-0-0 against the Eastern Conference. They are currently in second place in the Northwest Division.

Notes: During the 2006-2007 season it took Rupp 72 games to score 6 goals, a feat he accomplished in only 28 games this year...Crosby is now tied for third in the league with 33 points, just four behind the leader...Malkin's six game scoring streak came to an end...the Pens finished the month of November at 8-6-0...the Mike Yeo coached power play is now 6 for 67 (9.0%) during the last sixteen games and is currently ranked 27th in the league...if you would have told Avery he would be taking Fleury's knob in his mouth he would have gotten excited. Too bad for him it was the knob of the goalie stick.

The NHL is a Dick and Fart Joke

2009-11-29T18:45:00.003-05:00

David Booth, taken off the ice on a stretcher and misses the next 16 games. Mike Richards not suspended.

Matt Cooke hit on Artem Anisimov (sorry, cant find video because it wasnt that bad)

Anisimov skates off the ice, little dizzy, no worse for wear. Matt Cooke suspended 2 games. Sean Avery jumps Fedotenko like a recess school bully...nothing from the league.

Dear Bettman and Campbell,

This is why you funcking dumbasses are the managers of a 2nd tier sport with first tier sport action. You two are fucking jokes and this league will always be a joke until you guys either are fired, quit, or come out as the President/Vice President of the Homosexuals Ass Fucking Mike Richards Club. Go fuck yourselves!

Many Happy Returns

2009-11-28T23:31:00.005-05:00

Enviro posts something sports related for the first time in almost two months and the Pens explode for their biggest win of the year. I'll never hear the end of it.

That collective groan you heard at the end of the game was the rest of the league realizing we are almost completely healthy and we're still leading the Atlantic Division. When we have all our players, we're going to be really difficult to play against.

When I turned the game on and realized we got three regular players back at the same time it was like we had an entirely different team. While Ben Lovejoy (who was a +5 in the 8 games he played and was never a minus) and Deryk Engelland did very serviceable work, there really is a step up when you have Alex Goligoski and Kris Letang back in the lineup. And do I really have to mention how much of an upgrade Tyler Kennedy is over Chris Bourque? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Despite the final score, this was a really close game through two periods. The Rangers got on the board first when Marc-Andre Fleury tried to poke check Mark Staal and subsequently left the entire side of the net open for Staal to put the puck into. But the Pens fought back and exploded for three in the last six minutes of the period. Evgeni Malkin scored from right in front when he whacked at the puck and only went in because Stephen Valiquette's momentum from sliding over to make a save carried the puck into the net. Sidney Crosby scored his first of the night after coming off the bench and firing a high wrist shot over Valiquette's blocker. Just 46 seconds later Crosby found Maxime Talbot alone in the slot and he put a move on Valiquette before sliding in the five hole for his first goal of the season.

The second period was pretty evenly matched with both teams getting a goal from a shot from the point by a defenseman. The Rangers got one from Matt Gilroy and the Pens' Mark Eaton answered with a goal with just 0.3 seconds left on the clock.

Things got crazy in the third. Michal Rozsival, who would be an All-Star if he only played against the Pens, scored just 33 seconds into the period to start some tension. But after the Rangers took a run at Crosby the floodgates opened. Crosby got his second when he shot the puck from a tough angle that banked off a sprawling Valiquette and into the net. Pascal Dupuis continued his strong play by notching his fourth goal in the past 8 games. Crosby finished off the hat trick on the power play of all places when Valiquette couldn't hold onto a hard wrist shot from the right wing circle and that led to all of the free hats being thrown onto the ice. After they were all picked up, and just 25 seconds after Crosby's goal, Kennedy deflected a point shot from Letang to get his first goal since October 20th.

The end of the game was pretty ugly as the Rangers tried to save face by playing goon hockey. No good waste of air Donald Brashear went after Matt Cooke and ended up roughing up the linesman more than Cooke. I'm not sure if the league is going to look into this incident any further, but if that linesman was hurt then they should definitely suspend Brashear for a minimum of 10 games. Ryan Callahan actually got Cooke to fight and then Sean Avery jumped Ruslan Fedotenko from behind and wound up with 7 minutes in penalties and a game misconduct. The cowardly act of Avery should get him suspended but I'm not sure it will happen. I think the league should issue an automatic 5 game suspension to any player who jumps another player from behind. If you have a second offense, it's a 10 games suspension. A third offense results in a season long suspension. You know what would happen then? You'd stop seeing chicken shit pussies like Sean Avery jumping guys from behind.

Next up the teams finish off the home and home series with a game at Madison Square Garden on Monday. Not sure if the league will step in and pass out some discipline for the way the Rangers acted at the end of this game but I highly doubt it. You can expect it to get a lot worse if the Pens light up Henrik Lundqvist as bad as they did Valiquette. The Rangers are still tied for third place in the Atlantic Division.

Notes: Crosby had the second five point night of his career (3 goals, 2 assists) and both have come against Atlantic Division opponents (Philadelphia & New York)...Malkin has scored in six straight games and has 11 points in the past 8 games...Goligoski (2 assists), Letang (2 assists), and Kennedy (1 goal) all scored in their first games back in action...Eaton needs just one more goal to tie his career high...the Pens penalty killing unit has only allowed 1 goal in the last 7 games and are currently ranked 5th in the league...the Mike Yeo coached power play is now 6 for 62 (9.7%) during the last fifteen games and is currently ranked 27th in the league...Sean Avery spent the majority of his Vogue internship fluffing the male models despite the fact it was not a job requirement.

OUR PRO SPORTS TEAMS AND BEING DESTROYED BY ASSISTANT COACHES AND MY CALM DEAMEANOR IS BEING DESTORYED BY DUMBASS PITTSBURGH SPORTS WRITERS

2009-11-28T15:33:00.005-05:00

Ahhhhh...I havent got pinnacle boner for weeks now due to the play of the Steelers and Pens. How about you guys? Girls, no sweater pencil erasers for the same reason? Dont worry, Teflon is here for the answers.

Steelers (The Recipe)

Every first step should start off with a bang and this one is no different. FIRE ARIANS!!! I hate these jackasses (mainly Pittsburgh Sportswriters that dont want to lose their beat by calling out who needs to be called out) that say "we won a Super Bowl with Arians." No, the correct phrase is "we won a Super Bowl in spite of him." Do yourself a favor and go and look at our offensive stats last year. You will never again see a team with that small a rushing total and that many sacks win a Super Bowl. The defense carried us the whole way and the offense just decided to show up for one series in the Super Bowl. Other than that, they were all cattywompus.
I think we may be past the trade deadline, but I have been saying for weeks with the emergence of Mendenhall that the Steelers should trade Parker for a draft pick. You are not going to sign him after this year, he wasnt giving anything to the team, and last week he started complaining about not getting the ball. Thanks for the memories, but that is all they are. The trading of Parker would then free up a roster spot for Isaac Redman to be the third running back, and more importantly, a large body to help on the dreaded Special Teams Coverage (which just recently won a gold medal at the actual Special Olympics in the sport of Tetherball).
Fire Lega-shit-shit (I dont know how to spell his name, so when that happens, I spell the smell). Look back at this guys career stats as a coach. He had one good year, last year, and that is it. Last year was an anomaly.
The Stephan Logan Experiment needs to stop. He is so-so on returns and is dreadful on coverage. Cut his ass and with his roster spot, sign Petr Cheh for kickoff duties. Then start using Wallace and his speed in the return game.
Start playing more double Tight End sets or with Davis coming back, use the Full Back. This will help in running and with pass blocking for Sir Concussion-a-lot.
I love the guy, but I just feel like Farrior has lost a step. I know he is their defensive captain, but I would like to see Fox a little more. Particularly on running downs.
MAKE DBs CATCH BALLS AT PRACTICE...ALL THE TIME!
Clone Polamalu.

Pens (Recipe)

FIRE MIKE YEO. This should have been done a long time ago. If the Pens heed my advise, I will name my next kid Mike Yea Clark.
Please get rid of Chris Bourque and sign Ray Bourque. I am sure his father can do more at his age than Chris could do ever.
Either the Power Play unit needs mixed up a bit, or Malkin and Crosby need split on different units. The only time I ever saw the PP work well the last few years was when Crosby was hurt, which leads me to believe that Crosby needs his own line and Malkin needs his own. The alternative is to place Malkin at the point opposite ice of Crosby. Having them on the same side equals easy to cover. Having them on opposite sides leads to more open ice. Also consider using Rupp as a Holmstrom type player.
And yes, have Lemieux sign himself (thats dirty). There would then be no 4th line center as Crosby/Malkin/Staal would just double shift. Mario would only anchor the Power Play and walk off with the Rocket Richard Trophy since he would score 50 PP goals.

If you have a problem in your life that needs solved, give Teflon a call at 666-187-38DD. If I solve your problem, just like I solved the Steeler's and Pen's problems, all you have to do in return is call my wife and tell her I right I always am. Thats a good deal.

Palko? PALKO?!?! The Boycott Is Back On

2009-11-27T23:50:00.008-05:00

A few days ago I suggested the Steelers sign Jeff Garcia to be their back-up since Ben Concussionberger is one hit away from forgetting he ever won two Super Bowl Championships. The Steelers went ahead and signed a known quarterback to their practice squad (which pretty much means they have no safety net after Concussionberger goes down against Baltimore). Unfortunately the only reason he is know is because he used to be the quarterback for the 'never quite good enough' Pitt Panthers. That's right, Tyler Palko, he of absolutely zero NFL quarterback experience, will now be the third man on the depth chart for the foreseeable future.

Although I like Charlie Batch as a person, he has been pretty much a waste of a roster spot the last couple of years and we've been paying him for nothing. I knew they couldn't keep Byron Leftwich after last season, but why not go out and get another veteran quarterback who would see this as a chance to show they still have it? It landed Leftwich a job elsewhere for more money, why couldn't it work again? I'm not sure if Kevin Colbert was abducted by aliens and replaced with an evil doppelganger or what, but the decision to sign Palko instead of a veteran quarterback is most troubling.

I'm just pissed that since Garcia wasn't signed we're not going to get to see Carmella Decesare in a Terrible Towel bikini. I mean, look at what we missed out on:

Mr. Colbert owes all of us an explanation and an aplogy.

Pens Must Have Eaten Too Much Leftover Turkey During Second Intermission

2009-11-27T22:52:00.008-05:00

Hey look, Evgeni Malkin looks as disgusted as I am that Chris Bourque is still taking up a roster position on this team.

When I sat down to watch this game I really wasn't in the mood to watch hockey. I don't know if it was because of the early start time or because my wife pissed me off the moment she got home from work or what it was exactly. As I watched the first two periods I couldn't really discern if the game was just that incredibly boring or if I really would rather have been doing something else so my mind was a little distracted. When my wife asked me to help her move something upstairs during the second intermission, I really had no problem missing the last period since I was DVRing it anyway and could just fast forward through the third to see if anything happened.

I didn't get that chance because Enviro called me shortly after the game was over and told me that they played like utter shit in the third and ended up losing. I should have known that was going to happen after those Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber (aka Paul Steigerwald and Bob Errey) decided to start spouting off about how the Pens always win with a lead after two periods and the Islanders never win. God I hate those two morons.

I don't know what it is but they don't seem to play well when Brent Johnson is in the starting line-up, regardless of what the article in the Post-Gazette said today about him earning his teammates respect. They laid that early season egg at home against Phoenix where they got shut out, only played a period against Florida but ending up winning in SO because of Johnson's strong play, had a similar situation happen in a SO win over Columbus, actually put some goals on the board for him against Boston, and then today's lackluster effort against a 40-year-old goaltender who is just collecting a pay check at this point.

The Islanders are much better than they were last year and point wise are tied for 7th in the Eastern Conference, but this is still a team who has a rookie who looks like a date rapist leading the team in scoring and a couple of guys near the bottom in plus/minus (Richard Park is -11 and Brendan Witt is -12). This should have been a cake walk, especially with a 5 on 3 power play for nearly a minute followed by a 3 minute regular power play late in the second that produced more scoring chances for the Islanders than it did the Pens. I'm starting to get tired of saying how terrible the power play is (7.3% over the last 14 games) because nothing ever changes. They do the same thing over and over, they always try to score from the right side, there is more movement in a mortuary, Mike Yeo couldn't coach his way out of a paper bag, etc. Dan Bylsma seems like an intelligent man so it is really confusing as to why he has let this travesty continue. Fire the stupid fucker already and get a guy who knows how to run a good power play. Either that or use Enviro's idea of dressing Lemieux instead of a back-up goalie and only have him play during power plays. We'd score 66% percent of the time.

Finally, we have to talk about Chris Bourque. I was willing to give the kid a chance at first because I trusted Ray Shero and Bylsma knew what they were doing. But after 17 games, it is painfully obvious he is not an NHL level player. He only has three assists and is a -4, which is tied for second worst on the team. And it's not like he's not getting opportunities. They have him on the second power play for Lemieux's sake. But there is no one worried about a Staal-Fedotenko-Bourque second power play unit. He's averaging about 10 minutes a game so it's not like they are using him like Eric Godard. He has done nothing to warrant the extra look, especially with capable guys in the minors. I'm not on the bandwagon of bringing Eric Tangradi or Luca Caputi up yet, but what about Tim Wallace or Ryan Bayda? Hell, Bayda has experience in 179 NHL games and could easily fill in until TK and Kunitz get back. Or bring Mark Letestu back up. I thought he was ten times better than Bourque. Maybe Lemieux feels bad because he started embarrassing his dad from the very first time he stepped on the ice back in 1984.

Next up the New York Rangers come to the Mellon Arena on Saturday. The Rangers have the league's #1 scorer in Martin Gaborik but haven't been too consistent, especially after dropping a game in Tampa Bay tonight. They currently tied for third place in the Atlantic Division.

Notes: The Pens are 1-5 the last six seasons on Black Friday...the Pens penalty killing unit has only allowed 1 goal in the last 6 games...Eric Godard recorded his first point on the year when he assisted on Malkin's first period goal...Matt Cooke is on pace to have a career year in the goal scoring department after he netted his fifth in the second...the Mike Yeo coached power play is now 4 for 55 (7.3%) during the last fourteen games...Enviro and I once witnessed a Pens fan punch a Rangers fan in the face during a playoff game at the Mellon Arena in the mid-90s.

Is That A Spear In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

2009-11-26T00:25:00.006-05:00

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYBODY!!

From the Suburban Rob Rossis

Week 12 NFL Predictions

2009-11-25T22:53:00.005-05:00

Turkey Day is forcing me to make my picks early. I'll blame the tryptophan if I fuck this week up.

THURSDAY

The Packers shut out the Lions in Week 6 and will look to do the same to stay in the Wildcard race; the last time the Lions won a Thanksgiving Day game was in 2003 against the Packers. PACKERS WIN!

Oakland stunned everyone in the NFL by scoring 10 points in an 18 second span at the end of the game to beat Cincy; the Cowboys could only muster a touchdown against the Redskins but it was enough. COWBOYS WIN!

Weren't the Giants favored to win the NFC just a few short weeks ago?; the Broncos have shown more aggression fighting each other than they have on the football field. GIANTS WIN!

SUNDAY

Brady Quinn threw four touchdown passes last week and the Browns STILL lost; Cincinnati is lucky the Steelers sucked the big one or their AFC North would be gone after dropping one, literally, in Oakland. BENGALS WIN!

The Colts look to stay perfect but tend to have trouble in Texas; Houston has a very slim margin of error if they want to make the playoffs. COLTS WIN!

The Dolphins beat the Bills by four touchdowns for their first win of the season back in Week 4; Terrell Owens is finally getting what he deserves after years of being a grade A douchebag. DOLPHINS WIN!

Carolina's up and down season continues and if the trend continues they are due for a win; the Jets have lost 6 of 7 and no longer resemble the team that called out the Patriots in Week 2 and won. PANTHERS WIN!

Only Washington can hold a team to one touchdown and still lose the game; McNabb had his second worst game of the season when he played the Redskins back in Week 7 but they still won the game. EAGLES WIN!

Seattle shut out the Rams in Week 1 but have done nothing since really; the Rams have shown some spunk the last couple of weeks losing close ones to New Orleans and Arizona so they might be due. RAMS WIN!

Maybe it's the really nice weather in Florida which prevents GMs and owners from knowing how to run a team because the Bucs suck; Atlanta lost a heartbreaker last week to the Giants and are pretty much going to have to be flawless to get into the playoffs. FALCONS WIN!

The Chiefs had their greatest accomplishment in years when they beat the defending Super Bowl Champions on their field last week; the Chargers have roared back from an early season hole and Phillip Rivers should have no problem passing all over the Chiefs, unlike Ben Concussionberger. CHARGERS WIN!

Jacksonville has been on a roll and have won their last three games which has put them in the playoff picture; the 49ers only have one win in their last six games. 49ers WIN!

Arizona is hot with three straight victories and they have yet to lose on the road this year; the Titans are even hotter winning all four games since their bye week. CARDINALS WIN!

Jay Cutler should be reminded on every down which team he plays for because he certainly likes to pass to the other team a lot; Minnesota is cruising along and will probably have the division wrapped up by the end of the month. VIKINGS WIN!

Bruce Arians is still the offensive coordinator and Bob Ligashesky is still the special teams coach of the Steelers; Baltimore doesn't have much wiggle room as far as the loss department goes and needs to beat a quality opponent for the first time all year. RAVENS WIN!

MONDAY

The last time the Patriots faced an unbeaten team Belichick gambled and lost; the Saints could prove they are the team to beat in the NFC and a legitimate Super Bowl contender with a win on MNF. SAINTS WIN!

Week 11 NFL Predictions - The Results

2009-11-24T23:28:00.005-05:00

Blah, blah, blah. Bruce Arians sucks. Blah, blah, blah.

I knew what I was talking about with the games I won. The Jaguars kept their playoffs hopes alive with a win over Buffalo, San Diego completely destroyed Denver to take over first place in the AFC West; the Patriots got revenge on an earlier season loss to the Jets; Detroit won perhaps the most thrilling game of the day on a touchdown with no time on the clock to beat Cleveland; the Saints stayed unbeaten by putting a hurting on Tampa Bay; Dallas couldn't score until the final three minutes of the game but eeked out a win over the Redskins; Brett Favre took another step towards winning the MVP award by laying the smackdown on Seattle; the Packers held off a late rally by the 49ers for a much needed win; the Giants had to go to overtime to beat the Falcons; Arizona had a tougher game than expected against the lowly Rams; and Philadelphia held on to beat the sinking Bears.

What can I say about the games I lost? The less said about the Steelers loss to the Chiefs the better; the Ravens gave a valiant effort against the undefeated Colts but came up a little short; Cincinnati bungled away a sure victory against the Raiders by giving up 10 points in the final 18 seconds; the Panthers let the Pineapple Express run all over them on Thursday night; and the Texans were done in by a 53 yard field goal with under a minute to play in a loss to the Titans.

Let's see how I did with my predictions from Week Eleven:

The Glorious Bastards (or teams I said would win and they proved me right!)

The Sons of Bitches (or teams I said would win and who shit the bed on gameday!)

Time Out On The Boycott

2009-11-23T23:12:00.008-05:00

Since I'm not reviewing a game I'm really not violating the boycott, but I'm sure some wise ass is going to say something. To them I say 'lick my sweaty nut sack'.

With Charlie Batch likely out for the remainder of the regular season, the talk around town is supposedly the Steelers are going to hold a tryout tomorrow to find a capable back up seeing as how Big Ben's bell has been rung again and Dennis Dixon has less experience than Hines Ward at the NFL QB level. I've heard as many as six free agent quarterbacks have been called (there is that many?) but the two main names being discussed are Cleo Lemon and Jeff Garcia.

Let that sink in for a moment. There is actually going to be a discussion at some point on whether to go with Cleo Lemon or Jeff Garcia. You would think losing to Cincinnati twice and then the lowly Chiefs yesterday would have been a good indication that we have somehow crossed over into Bizarro World, but it is now abundantly clear that things are all sorts of cattywampus.

Let's look at their respective career stats, shall we:

15 starts vs. 125 starts. 2,185 yards passing vs. 25,537 yards passing. 8 touchdowns vs. 161 touchdowns. Do I really have to continue? The sad thing is that if Bruce Arians has anything to do with selecting the new veteran back-up, we're going to wind up with either Lemon or possibly Tim Couch, who he used to "coach" in Cleveland. Other potential fuck ups include Rex Grossman, Brooks Bollinger, Anthony Wright, Brian St. Pierre, Gus Frerotte, and J.P. Losman. Could you imagine any one of those guys in a Steelers uniform? I get sicker by the hour.

If Garcia shows up for the tryout, sign him on the spot. The guy can still win in this league, as he proved when Donovan McNabb went down in Philadelphia a few years ago, and he is head and shoulders above anyone else they could bring in. Plus, this is his smoking hot wife, Playboy Playmate Carmella DeCesare.

Could you imagine her waving a Terrible Towel? Hmmmmmmmmm.........

Is There A Sidney Crosby Fan Club In Florida?

2009-11-23T22:33:00.007-05:00

The Florida Panthers and their fans must really be sick of Sidney Crosby. Back on October 23rd in Pittsburgh the Panthers were stymieing the Pens for the first two periods and held a 2-0 advantage. The Pens woke up in the third, started outplaying the Panthers all over the ice, Crosby got a power play goal early and a short handed goal late to tie it, then he won it for them in the shoot out. You can read my review of that game here.

Fast forward just over a month later and almost the same scenario played out in Florida. The Pens came out undisciplined and took three penalties during the first period. They were able to kill all of those short handed chances, but then a defensive error by Sergei Gonchar and Brooks Orpik let Nathan Horton, one of the only good players on Florida, stand all alone at the side of the net. He took a nice pass from Stephen Weiss, whom both defenseman went after for some reason, and he easily put it past a diving Marc-Andre Fleury. The Pens came out a little better in the second but another defensive breakdown lead to a 3 on 2 that Keith Ballard finished off with his first of the season. Fleury did make a tremendous poke check on Horton who had a short handed breakaway that kept the game at 2-0. Even with that, it looked like it was going to be another tough loss for a Pittsburgh team against a lesser opponent.

But the tide shifted in the third period. The Pens started off quickly and got an early power play, but could do absolutely nothing with it. But the team remained surprisingly calm even though they were down by 2 with time winding down. The Pens started pressuring the Panthers in their own end and it paid off just under five minutes into the period. Brooks Orpik hammered a shot from the point that Tomas Vokoun saved, but a persistent Pascal Dupuis got to the puck in the slot and took a whack at the rebound. The puck popped in the air, deflected off of Vokoun and took a lucky bounce across the line even though the Panthers knocked the net off. Conspiracy theorists will say the goal shouldn't have counted but since it's the Penguins it counted but if you saw the replay from the side the puck was clearly across before the net came off the pegs.

The Pens kept coming and just like in the first meeting the Panthers were just trying to hold on. The tenacious work by Evgeni Malkin, Mike Rupp, Craig Adams, Martin Skoula, and Ben Lovejoy kept the puck in the Panthers zone for what seemed like an eternity. Malkin was pressured behind the net and the puck came to Rupp who was standing right in front of Vokoun. He pounded it home for his fifth goal of the year. What a find Rupp has been. Not only did he get the tying goal but he pounded Bryan Allen in the first period for a late hit on Malkin. If he could have gotten an assist he would have had the Gordie Howe hat trick.

Overtime was all Pittsburgh. The Pens also scored a couple times before they were awarded a very odd power play. A linesman saw a highstick Horton had on Orpik and they gave him a double minor for it even though play had continued for a decent amount of time. Just another thing for the conspiracy nuts to jack off about. After that it was just a matter of time because regardless of how bad your power play is, you have to be able to score 4 on 3 in overtime. That's too much ice, too little traffic, and it heavily favors the power play team. After some decent chances, Malkin finally took a blast from the high slot and the rebound came right to Crosby who just got it in off the far post for the game winner.

That's now two games that Florida has lead 2-0 after 40 minutes of play just to end up in the locker room with a loss after Crosby won the game in overtime. Sucks to be a Panthers fan I guess.

Next up the Montreal Canadiens come to the Mellon Arena on Wednesday for a little Thanksgiving Eve action. Montreal has been a .500 team pretty much all year and just traded Guillaume Latendresse to Minnesota for Benoit Pouliot but he won't be in the lineup due to injury. They currently sit in fourth place in the Northeast Division.

Notes: Pittsburgh is 5-0 against Southeast Division teams...Skoula has four points in his last four games...Rupp needs one more goal to match his career high set during the '03-'04 season with New Jersey...Crosby is now tied with Tyler Kennedy for the most game winning goals this season (3)...the Mike Yeo coached power play is now 4 for 49 (8.2%) during the last twelve games...Bob Barker could kick Carey Price's ass.

Activism Gets Me Active

2009-11-22T23:45:00.003-05:00

I'm going to keep this short and to the point. I am boycotting the Pittsburgh Steelers until they fire Bruce Arians and Bob Ligashesky. I won't be reviewing any games as long as those two dipshits are still employed with the Steelers. That's it.

I'm going to go watch Chevy Chase and Senor Chang now.

Skoula U

2009-11-21T22:15:00.005-05:00

I'm really at a loss for words to talk about this game. On one hand, the Pens stopped a four game losing streak and walked out of Atlanta with a much needed two points. On the other hand, they completely controlled every aspect of the game through two periods and should have been up by 5 goals but almost lost it at the end. Sure, Johan Hedberg stood on his head for the Thrashers and he was the only reason it was close throughout, but there were several times the Pens missed prime chances. Chris Bourque, who would be playing in the ECHL if it wasn't for his famous father, can't hit an empty net let alone get a puck past a goalie so his inability to score doesn't surprise me. But a lot of guys missed wide empty nets, including Evgeni Malkin, Pascal Dupuis, Matt Cooke, Jordan Staal, etc. I know I've bitched about not being able to hit an empty net in the past but this was an instance where it almost cost us.

For the most part Marc-Andre Fleury played well. The shorthanded goal really wasn't his fault because everyone was too busy bitching about Malkin's getting slashed without a call that they forgot to play defense. The second one was a perfect pass and you're not going to stop those chances very often. He still scares me when he goes behind the net to play the puck. I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that I'm never going to completely love him as a player so it should be considered high praise when I point out that he played well.

Martin Skoula scored the first two goals, which is just the second multiple goal game of his career. The first came on the power play when he floated one through traffic and the second came on a blast from the point that snuck in on the short side. Skoula has not been outstanding while filling in for all the injured defenseman but hasn't been bad either. The work he is getting now will only pay off down the line. It doesn't hurt that he has thrown in three goals in the past three games. I think he will have to sit when Letang, Goligoski, and McKee all come back, but it might not be a bad idea to rotate him into the line-up now and again when everyone is healthy.

Malkin got the other goal, which ended up being the game winner, but to me there is still something off about his game. Maybe it's the fact he line mates change every game or maybe he is still hampered by his shoulder, but it just seems off. He hasn't been real fluid with puck and his passes haven't been sharp. I really don't know what it is but hopefully it gets fixed quickly.

A win's a win so I'll take it.

Next up the Pens travel to Florida to face off against the red hot Panthers. Florida has won five of their last six games, including three straight on the road. The Pens beat them a few weeks ago in a shoot out when Crosby scored twice in the third to send it to the extra frame. The Panthers are currently tied for third in the Southeast division.

Notes: The last time Skoula scored two goals in a game was back on March 17, 2002...Sidney Crosby is second on the team in PIM...the Penguins did not allow a power play goal for the 11th time this season...the Pens are 11-2 when they score the first goal of the game...the draft pick we received when we traded Hedberg to Vancouver ended up being Alex Goligoski...the Mike Yeo coached power play is now 3 for 44 during the last eleven games...plastic rats? Really? Fucking people in Florida are stupid.

God Bless The Vegans

2009-11-20T23:43:00.005-05:00

The Guy Who Is Picking The Canadian Olympic Team Conveniently Lost Fleury's Number

2009-11-19T23:16:00.003-05:00

If Canadian officals were seriously considering putting Marc-Andre Fleury on their Olympic team, they will be scrambling tomorrow to find a replacement. Let's face facts people, Fleury has sucked the entire month of November and it doesn't seem like he's going to get any better. How embarrassing.