Home Improvement...NHL Edition

After the first day of NHL free agency I actually started doing a post about what all of the teams did on that busy first day. It quickly became apparent to me though that I really didn't care that the Boston Bruins signed Steve Begin or that Buffalo landed Steve Montador. They might be solid role players and guys you need to round out your team, but they are far from impact players. The kind of guys that can put a team over the top simply by having them in the locker room. Enviro and I have debated this topic and each feel that one team has improved their station enough to make them a threat to the Pittsburgh Penguins in their bid to repeat as Stanley Cup Champions. Like some things between us, we don't agree as to which team is the most improved. Let's have a look at the evidence:

Chicago Blackhawks: Last Season - 46-24-12, 104 points, 2nd in Central Division, lost in Western Conference Finals to Detroit Red Wings in 5 games.

Many are saying this is Pittsburgh of the Western Conference with their core of good young players and there continued growth. Patrick Kane and Jonathan Toews have the Windy City excited about hockey for the first time in a while. But like many young teams, they were schooled by the veteran Detroit team in the WCF after getting past Calgary and Vancouver in the first two rounds.

This free agency period they tried to address some needs by landing Marian Hossa and Tomas Kopecky from Detroit and John Madden from New Jersey. This is the fourth team for Hossa in the last three seasons, and his track record hasn't been stellar up to this point. He was a really good player for the Penguins during the '08 Cup run, but fizzled out in '09 which seems to be his MO. He did score 40 goals while being a +27 last year so he'll make them dangerous across a couple of lines at least during the regular season. I think they overpaid for Madden (1 year, $2.75 million) who is coming off a very disappointing year (7 goals, 16 assists, -7 rating in 76 games) and who also just turned 36. He was the premier shut down center for a number of years, but I think he has lost a step. Kopecky has only been in the league four years and has been buried on a deep Detroit team so the change in scenery might do his well.

So while adding Hossa does help them out offensively, I think the best thing Chicago did was sign all their young talent. They signed Dave Bolland, Cam Barker, Kris Versteeg, Ben Eager, Troy Brouwer, Aaron Johnson, and Colin Fraser, none of which are older than 26.

But it wasn't all rosy for the Blackhawks. They lost 25 game winner Nikolai Khabibulin to Edmonton, leading scorer Martin Havlat to Minnesota, and character guy Samuel Pahlsson to Columbus. Havlat had more points than Hossa so that is a big loss and with Khabibulin gone there is no one behind Cristobal Huet in net. Enviro might believe this is the team that improved the most, but I think when you measure what they gained vs. what they lost it is a wash. They might be nipping at the Finals, but they are not Stanley Cup contenders.


Montreal Canadiens: Last Season - 41-30-11, 93 points, 2nd in Northeast Division, lost in Eastern Conference Quarterfinals to Boston Bruins in 4 games.

This was supposed to be the great celebration in Montreal to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the franchise. It turned into a nightmare. The Canadiens barely limped into the playoffs and then were utterly manhandled by the #1 Bruins in the first round. In response to that embarrassment, the Canadiens made it a priority to get bigger and better. And boy did they ever.

On the offensive side they added little known, but highly effective Mike Cammalleri from Calgary. Cammalleri wallowed for years in obscurity in Los Angeles before he landed in Calgary and had a career year with 39 goals, 43 assists, 82 points. He lead Calgary in goals and notched 19 of them on the power play. They landed a consistent 20 goal scorer in Brian Gionta from New Jersey. Few might remember that Gionta put up 48 goals in 2005-2006 so he definitely has what it takes to put the puck in the net. They also added center Scott Gomez in a trade. Gomez has only scored less than 55 points once in his 9 year career. So with three players they added 200 points from last season to their roster.

On the defensive side they got bigger and offensive. They added 6'7" Hal Gill from the Pittsburgh Penguins. Gill, while slow, is still a top notch penalty killer because the one thing you can't teach is size. They added 6'4" Paul Mara from the New York Rangers who is also a good penalty killer and will add even more veteran leadership to the group. Finally, Jaroslav Spacek from Buffalo brings his 45 points and power play prowess to the blue line. Spacek lead all Sabers defenseman in points last year while logging a ton of ice time.

The Canadiens did lose leading scorer Alexei Kovalev to division rival Ottawa, supposed "Canadien for Life" and third leading scorer Saku Koivu to Anaheim, and steady defenseman Mike Komisarek to Toronto. Komisarek's departure will hurt, but both Kovalev and Koivu are on the downside of their careers. Cammalleri had a much better year than Kovalev and Gionta had a more productive year than Koivu. While Enviro may think Montreal added too many pieces thus becoming a reflection of the Ranger teams that tried to buy a championship, I think they are the most improved team. Do they have what it takes to knock off the Penguins? That will fall on Carey Price, and if last year was an indication, then no. But if Price somehow matures quickly (he is only 21 remember) then they might be a very difficult team to handle.


So there you have it. Enviro thinks Chicago is the most improved and therefore the most dangerous while I believe Montreal has added enough good players to have a legitimate shot in the East. I've had my say, what do you think? Voice your opinions in the comments and/or the poll to your right.

Ray Shero To Be Introduced As The New Host Of "Let's Make A Deal"

I honestly don't know how Ray Shero continues to sign veteran guys below market value. Craig Adams took a $50,000 pay cut to return, then Bill Guerin took a $2.5 million pay decrease to stay here, followed by Ruslan Fedotenko agreeing at $450,000 less than a year ago. Now today the Penguins announced that they have signed veteran defenseman Jay McKee to a one year deal which will pay him $800k for the year. That is a $3.2 million decrease from what St. Louis was paying him last year. Okay, that's a little misleading because the Blues actually bought out his contract and are obligated to pay him $2.67 million this year. At the end of the day he will be getting $3.47 million for this year, but the Penguins only have to pay the $800k. Damn Shero is good.

McKee was drafted 14th overall in the 1995 NHL Entry Draft by the Buffalo Sabres. He is a big guy, 6'4" and 204 pounds, and is a proven shot blocker. He played parts of 9 seasons in Buffalo, regularly being one of the top four defenseman. McKee signed with St. Louis before the 2006 season but ran into some injury trouble which limited his on ice time over the course of the next three years. He has sustained numerous injuries, including a knee injury, a broken finger, and two lower body injuries due to his shot blocking ability. He ranked 7th in the entire league while playing in 69 games and was a plus 11 last year. McKee should be able to help ease the loss of both Rob Scuderi and Hal Gill this offseason. So once again Shero is able to add a key veteran at a reduced rate which will help the continued success of the team.

As of this signing the Penguins have 13 forwards, 6 defenseman, and 1 goaltender under contract with approximately $2.1 million available under the cap. They have to sign a back-up goaltender and will probably use Ben Lovejoy as the 7th defenseman if they are able to sign him. That means the likelihood of Petr Sykora or Phillipe Boucher coming back next year are slim to none. The thought process entering camp is that Tyler Kennedy is going to step in for Max Talbot as he recovers from shoulder surgery and someone from the minors is going to fill in on the third or fourth line. I'm not sure how it works with Talbot being on the disabled list until probably December, but if they are allowed to use his money to pay someone else, then maybe they sign Sykora for $1 million then trade him when Talbot is ready to come back. Or if he is having a monster year you demote someone or trade another player. It's all real conjecture at this point because anything can happen.

Anyway, welcome aboard, Jay.

Having A Time Machine Rocks

I haven't been able to post every night like I normally do because I have been busy perfecting my time travel machine. I still haven't worked all the kinks out yet because I can only jump forward in time then return to the present day. My real goal is to go back in time and stop Alexander Ovechkin's parents from having dirty vodka sex in a Russian bathroom.

But since I can only jump forward for the time being, I decided to check in on my good friend Enviro to see what he was up to 50 years from now:

As you can see, Enviro is still in the "Into The Wild" contest, even though you wouldn't know it is still going on since he hasn't posted about it in years. I sent an updated picture to him back in 2009 but never saw the subsequent post. I have an idea for another one that would be great, but Enviro seems to be too preoccupied with grabbing some tender, young sweater puppies. Same ol' Enviro.

America's Revisionist History Illness

Yea, Hep and I got on this facebook pony and it has been nothing but amusing to me. Seeing how people you knew way back have changed, usually drastically. As Eddie Vedder was said, I seem to "...change by not changing at all." Anyways for those of you who don't know me, one of my hobbies is politics and the history of politics, particularly the actions from the past that have put us in the current state of affairs.

Now how do those two items, facebook and my love of middle of the night history channel offerings, connect. Well one of my old buds that I found on facebook that I have not seen in probably 10 or 15 years is now a sheep of the neo-cons. He believes that we, the US, fight only to free people of Tyranny, should bomb anyone we disagree with, that the media should be controlled by the powers that be, and he drinks this all down by knowing nothing of anything that has happened pre 2001. So I have decided to educate him with my massive brain and muscles. At my school, if you dont listen to me, get ready to have your sweater pulled over your head. So now, I educate you...enjoy.

Now we American's love our revisionist history (aka in the simplest terms as "we do something to screw something up and then blame the other guy for the screw up"). Now this habit of looking back in time and changing, in the minds of Americans, what actually happened to get us to this point is probably not better exampled that with our relationship the Islamic Republic of Iran. Lets take a look back shall we as AMERICA!.......THIS IS YOUR LIFE........BUNKING WITH IRAN.

Lets pick up the story after WWII shall we and the story starts with oil...you surprised. Iran was a Monarchy until shortly after WWII when a Democratic process put a man in power who started to Nationalize the oil industries since the US and British countries were walking off with profits that should be going to his own country. Well, we and the Brits couldnt have that profit spicket turned off so we threatened an oil embargo and sent in the CIA to overthrow a DEMOCRATICALLY elected government (man are we hypocrites....this will become a common theme). And who did we place into power, well the Shah of Iran who ruled the country before all this. Now we had our puppet ruler who was also a civil rights violator. Another good decision by the jackasses we place into power.

Now lets jump to the late 70s (and by the way I am going through this as quick as possible so I do not have a Heptner sized entry). Iranian hatred for American meddling continues to grow. Students who see America weakened by the two horrible Administrations of Nixon and Ford and the fact that the Shah is gravely ill, begin to revolt with the final straw being the capturing of the US Embassy and the taking of American hostages. Now what did the Iranian want for these hostages.... pretty much the ending of American meddling in their affairs, a return of the Shah to stand trial (more than likely executed for human rights abuses) and their over seas accounts unfrozen.

So while all this negotiating is going on, in the background where no one can see, America begins conspiring with a guy named Saddam. Remember him. Saddam doesnt like Iran because they are Shiites and he is Sunni and they also have a horribly old and outdated border dispute. We give Saddam weaponry and we begin to fight a proxy war with Iran called the Iran-Iraq War that kills millions of people over 8 years. We Americans are also the ones that give Saddam Chemical Weapons that he uses against the Iranians and later to squash rebellions in Iraq by the Kurds and Shiites that we then condemn. Nothing like giving a guy a gun to go kill another guy we dont like, then getting mad at him when he uses that same gun to kill others.

Now this even gets crazier. You young who read this blog may not remember this, but probably the biggest political scandal of the 1980s was the Iran-Contra Affair. See, the Iranians began training this Lebanese Military Faction called Hezbollah. Well Hezbollah goes and takes hostages of a bunch of Americans (yes, Iran is not completely the victim here). To save face and to increase his poll numbers, Reagan begins discussions with the Iranians on trading weaponry in secret to free the hostages (lets also remember how the Iranians were on the US's State Sponsorship of Terrorism List, which made it illegal for anyone to trade arms with them...well except us I guess...man the hypocrisy) which will be used against Iraq, which we also weaponized. Iran would then give us money that we would then transfer to the Anti-Communist rebels in Nicaragua. So, short of the story is, we eventually played both sides of a war we helped create. Why were we then surprised that Saddam was mad at us?

Now, stay with me here, we have to move to a little country called Afghanistan to continue the story as to why our current situations in the Middle East and Asia.

The Soviets and the US played a long game of Stratego called the Cold War from pretty much the end of WWII to the fall of the Soviet Union in the late 80s and early 90s. The beginning of the end for the Soviets was when they invaded Afghanistan. Once again, the US inserted itself in this war as a proxy combatant. On the wings of Charlie Wilson, the US fund and weaponize the mujaheddin led by a lad from Saudi Arabian named Osama Bin Laden, once again giving weapons to a later enemy of the state. Long story short, the Afgans fight for much longer than the Soviets can really pay for, the Soviets retreat, and collapse shortly after. Then, what do we do to thank these Afgans for helping us win the Cold War.....NOTHING!!!!! We leave with their country is ruin. This was a decision made by the first Bush. Oh how I want to go back in time and slice the dick off of Grand Dad Bush. So the Afgans get pissed at us for leaving them in the state they are in (remember, we rebuilt Japan and Germany, or enemies, after WWII). With their country in total collapse, a power hungry group of fundamentalists take over called the Taliban....several years......9/11. Readers Digest version for you out there that like my short and sweet posts.

Look up the word Blowback in the dictionary and you will read the paragraph I just wrote.

So, whats the lesson here. Well its simple. To make decisions of the present, one must know the story of the past that created the problem. We as Americans fail to do this and, take it Yoda......this is why you fail.

Now I am no Obama lover. I voted for the man because I hate Palin and her "it took me 6 different colleges to get my bachelors degree in journalism" political mind. But finally, we seem to have a President willing to go back and scrutinize the decisions made in the past by people not deserving of holding any type of power position.

Now when you read, see, or hear political analysts discussing the latest move or nonmove of our nation, before you blindly agree or disagree with his/her analysis, do some research as to what and why we have this current problem. You may be surprised by what you find. Particularly when you find that we are not the Beacon of Light that we portray ourselves as.

I just wish the US would go back to the way we handled foreign affairs prior to WWII. The old "walk softly and carry a big stick" advice of Teddy. I grab for a day when the rest of the world thinks of us again as "a sleeping giant" and that they have second thoughts of our awakening. The best way to spread democracy is by being a good example of that philosophy, not a bully pushing that philosophy down other's throats.

Literature Cited

Clark, Thomas. 2009. My Brain Will Squash 99.5% of the Other Brains and How You Can Only
Hope to Be Like Me. Harper Collins. 1 page.

The Line Forms 'Round The Corner

A few days ago I did an extensive list of why I was happy for each player on the Penguins team for winning the 2009 Stanley Cup Championship. This list is the flip side of that coin. Here are a list of people who can suck my dick because we won the 2009 Stanley Cup Championship. I'm not going to dignify them each with a picture because that would take time and effort that I do not want to devote to these losers. So without further adieu, here are the people who can drop to their knees and take me all the way in to the balls:


Pierre McGuire: Has there ever been an announcer who was so blatantly against another team as McGuire was against the Penguins during the entire playoff run? He talked about how great Mike Richards was and his tremendous leadership ability every single chance he got during the Philadelphia series. Richards, held to 1 goal and a team worst -4, went down in defeat in 6 games. The next series allowed McGuire to stroke off Alexander Ovechkin every single chance he got. In his eyes Ovechkin was a man playing amongst boys, which McGuire so readily wanted to be a part of. Ovechkin failed to show up in the decisive Game 7 and the Capitals fell to the Penguins just like they always do. Thankfully their was no NBC coverage for the Carolina series, but I'm sure he would have tossed Eric Staal's salad any chance he got. Finally, the Detroit series allowed him the luxury of gargling the balls of every single player on the Detroit roster. Nothing they did was wrong, they were the greatest team ever assembled, their fans were the greatest, the ownership was the greatest, Marian Hossa made the right choice, etc. etc. But it was McGuire who would be left with jizz on his face after the Pens stunned the Red Wings in Detroit for the Cup. That little fact didn't slow down McGuire from acknowledging who classy the fans were in Detroit for cheering when Lemieux held the Cup up at center ice. Anyone with half a brain would realize the Detroit faithful were gone by that point and the roar of the crowd was coming from Penguins fans. McGuire is just bitter he got fired from his assistant coaching position with the Penguins many years ago and holds a grudge to this day. Too bad Lemieux could give two shits about him. So to the man who looks like the thing he loves the most, i.e. a penis, suck on it!


Ed Olczyk: He is on this list because he too was fired by the Penguins and holds a grudge to this day like McGuire. And just like McGuire, he can't call a game down the middle if his life depended on it. Really not sure why NBC pulled a Chicago Blackhawks announcer to do the playoff games without their being a discussion of favoritism. If anything, by the time the Finals started I thought he'd be pulling for us just a little bit because Detroit just knocked out the team that writes his pay checks. But no, just like McGuire, Olczyk let his pettiness get the better of him and he basically said Detroit's shit didn't stink for the first two games. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe he was the mental midget who coined the phrase "subtle interference". Maybe Patrick Kane gives you a subtle ass fucking, but there is nothing subtle about interference you cum guzzling queen. Eddie O tried to redeem himself during the last two games when apparently his vision wasn't obstructed by man lust for Chris Osgood and he started noticing some things weren't legit with the Red Wings tactics. But it was a little too late. You can't sew the ass up after it has been torn up in the Red Wings shower room. So to the man who couldn't coach a male prostitute to orgasm, suck on it!


Alexander Ovechkin: Quite possibly the biggest douche bag in the entire league. Women for some reason adore him even though he looks like an Auschwitz nerve gas survivor. There is the old joke about falling out of the ugly tree and hitting every branch. Well he fell out of the tree, had it land on his face, then got run over by the construction crew bulldozing that area of the ugly forest. But looks aside, he is a good offensive player. He is also a terrible team player, a defensive liability, and so predictable a kindergarten kid with a knowledge of "Blue's Clues" could figure out he is going to shot any time he gets near the puck. But for some reasons people think he is the greatest player in the NHL even though he has only once had more assists than goals in a season and has never been past the second round of the playoffs. They continue to give him the NHL MVP award because he scores a boat load of goals, but he is also on the ice for a lot of the other team's goals because of his failure to back check. He is a lot of flash with no substance. When the Capitals went up 2-0 in the second round series, Ovechkin basically predicted a sweep when he said they wouldn't be partying until after Game 4. Surprisingly no one asked him about his prediction after the 6-2 dismantling in Game 7 on his home ice. So let the coaches and media fawn over him and his highlight reel goals. We have the two best players in the game and the only trophy they need is the one that now bears their names, but not Ovie's. So to the man who couldn't give Clay Aiken an erection, suck on it!


Marian Hossa: Some people might be confused about his inclusion on this list seeing as how I kind of defended him in a previous post. Well, maybe not defended, but was to some degree sympathetic. In all honesty him running to Detroit in the offseason actually helped us and hurt him tremendously. Not only did he not win the Cup with Detroit like he thought he would, he also lost a tremendous amount of money by not signing with Pittsburgh or Edmonton last year for a long term deal. His 12 year deal with Chicago pales in comparison to the amount of money he would have made with either of the two teams he scorned. So even though I do feel kind of bad for him, the simple fact remains is the stupid fucker left Shero standing at the altar and cost us other potential free agents while we waited around for his faggity Czech ass to make a decision. Obviously everything worked out for us in the end, but that doesn't change the fact he burned the organization twice at the same time. The only time he has done anything remotely as damaging was the time he fucked Pavol Demitra's brother while stretching out Pavol's favorite cardigan. Pavol took him back but Pens fans would never accept that ass jockey back in this town. So to the man who has the gayest nickname this side of Michael Jackson, suck on it!


Ty Conklin: Lost in all of the hatred and venom spewed towards Maid Marian for his decision to leave the Penguins for the Red Wings because he thought they had the better chance to win in 2009 was the fact that Conklin did the exact same thing without all the media attention. The Penguins picked up Conklin from the Buffalo Sabers has insurance in case of injury even though Conklin played more AHL games than NHL games in his career. When Fleury went down with an injury and Dany Sabourin faltered when given the starting job, Conklin stepped in and had the best year of his entire career. When free agency hit I really didn't begrudge him for wanting to go somewhere else to be a starter because he had won 18 games with the Pens. He at least deserved a shot to be the #1, which wasn't going to happen in Pittsburgh. But then he decided to sign with Detroit for only $200k more than he made with the Penguins. The Red Wings weren't going to make a change from Osgood so why did he sign there? Well, without saying it, he too thought they had the best chance of winning and wanted to ride their coattails as much as Hossa did. While he did have another career year in Detroit, he still had to sit and watch from the bench as another team paraded around with the CUp. So to the man who is more confused than a transgender homosexual, suck on it!


Ryan Whitney: Webster's dictionary defines an "albatross" as: something that causes persistent deep concern or anxiety; something that greatly hinders accomplishment; encumbrance. That is pretty much Ryan Whitney in a nutshell. For some reason, probably because of age, he was lumped in with all of the other young star talent on the Penguins team as the next generation of superstars. There he was on the promotional material, standing in line behind Crosby, Malkin, Fluery, and Staal. But like many things in marketing, the proof just wasn't in the pudding. Whitney was a terrible defensive defenseman and a subpar offensive defenseman. While he did have some chemistry with Crosby on the power play, as soon as teams figured out the "Whitney Play", they shut it down and he became a $4 million dollar hood ornament. It's nice to look at but serves no real purpose. Whitney was an atrocious -15 in 28 games with the Pens this year. Their record with him in the line-up was a dismal 11-15-2. When he was traded to Anaheim for Chris Kunitz and Eric Tangradi I expected Shero's name to jump to the top of America's Most Wanted because he pulled off the biggest heist in history. It came as no surprise to me that after his weak ass was gone the Pens went on a 7-0 run and finished the regular season 16-2-3 without the Albatross weighing us down. Two years after he was supposed to be the next great offensive defenseman, he now sits in Anaheim with the two goals he scored this year watching the other guys on the promotional material raise the Cup. So to the man who makes Coach Bombay do a Flying V so he can eat out his ass while cashing a ridiculous paycheck, suck on it!


Ryan Malone: The epitome of the modern era free agent. Grows up in Pittsburgh idolizing the Penguins as both a fan and the fact that his dad was a part of the organization. Fulfilled his dream by making it to the NHL and playing for the team he was dreamed about playing for his entire life. Battled hard during the playoffs and became a symbol of the tough hockey player when he took a puck to the face in the Finals but returned a short time later to continue playing. The future was so bright for him and his young teammates. But then he hit his first big free agency period. The Pens told him how much they thought he was worth, him and his agent thought it should be more. The Tampa Bay Lightning came calling with a big sack of money and he put on his favorite Steve Miller Band tune, "Take The Money And Run", and that is exactly what he did. But things weren't so sunny down in F-L-A. His production dipped from the previous year and he found himself on a team with the least amount of wins in the entire league. Then reports started to surface that he was trying to come back to the Penguins. There were even stories going around that he had a meeting with Ray Shero and practically begged him to take him back. But this isn't 'Saved By The Bell', Ryan. We don't wait around to see if your tampon has stopped turning colors. We moved on and became an even better team than when you were a part of it. Think about that the next time you listen to Cinderella's "Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)" while you drive to the bank to cash your big check. So to the guy who wanted to sit on a beach having Bruno rub tanning lotion all over his tats instead of staying with his hometown team, suck on it!


Bill Cowher: Back to back hometown boys who decided to leave for supposed greener pastures down south. Cowher wouldn't have been anywhere on this list if he hadn't decided to get involved in the Carolina series. Personally, I don't care that he became a fan of the Hurricanes when his cunt of a wife made him move from Pittsburgh to North Carolina. I also didn't care that he get got his jollies by cranking some gay ass hurricane warning siren before select Carolina games. When he was presented with the chance to crank the siren before a game involving his hometown Pittsburgh Penguins and his adopted Hurricanes, he should have said 'thanks, but I'll pass on this one'. Instead, he got his jaw all in alignment, played his gay little siren, and proceeded to spit on everything he once professed to love. Thankfully his siren skills were about as useful as his playoff coaching skills because the Hurricanes went down faster than a box of Twinkies at Rosie O'Donnell's house. He might as well take the Cleveland Browns job now so we can knock his dick in the dirt on a regular basis. So to the guy who was left holding his crank and has to go back to his wife who has a bigger set of balls than he does, suck on it!


The entire city of Philadelphia: Obi-Wan Kenobi was talking about the city of Philadelphia when he said "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy." I could write an entire novel about my utter hatred for the entire area in and around Philadelphia. Their fans are the absolute worst and do not deserve an ounce of happiness in their sad and pathetic lives. The Stanley Cup victory was easily my happiest moment this spring, but a very close second was watching the Flyers be on top of the world in Game 6 with their fans in an absolute frenzy only to completely shit the bed and lose to a guy they continuing says 'sucks'. Maybe they are propositioning Sid? Do they hate their daddy's because they touched them or because they liked it? Who the fuck knows but more importantly, who the fuck cares? Philadelphia has nothing on Pittsburgh as far as success in sports or life in general. It's been that way for years and will continue to be that way in the future. So to an entire town that would not be missed if the sea level rose to drown all those hopeless fags and drag them to oblivion, suck on it!


That was cathartic.

Independence Is Sexy

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY

FROM

THE SUBURBAN ROB ROSSIS

I'm An Accountant And I Still Can't Figure Out The Math

In a surprising move, the Pittsburgh Penguins re-signed Ruslan Fedotenko today to a 1-year deal worth $1.8 million. What's surprising is the fact that Fedotenko, if you believe the internet rumors, was being heavily pursued by a handful of teams, including the Minnesota Wild, who seemingly would have paid him more money. In fact, in what is becoming a trend with this team, Fedotenko took LESS money to come back here for another run. He made $2.25 million last year on a one year deal, coincidentally enough, also signed on July 3rd.

Fedotenko, despite what critics had to say, had a solid year with career high numbers for assists (23) and plus/minus (+18) while tying his second highest point total of his career (39). A broken hand sidelined him for over a month which derailed a season that might have seen him score career highs across the board. He really proved his worth in the playoffs where his ability to score big goals was evident and his past Stanley Cup winning experience proved immeasurable. He ended up tied for fourth on the team in scoring (14) and first on the team in plus/minus (+9) on his way to a second Stanley Cup in a five years.

So why did he come back?

"We had a great run last year. We played really well and won the Cup," Fedotenko said. "That's what you play for. I felt that with 95 percent of the team coming back we we will have another strong season. I wanted to be on a good team. We had good chemistry in the locker room. I want to win another Cup. I believe we can do it again."

When asked about his second straight free agency experience he said:

"We were looking at a couple different options. You want to be on a winning team and compete to win the Cup. I feel like it's everybody's dream is to win the Cup. We did it last year. So let's try to do it another year. I stayed to hopefully win another one."

I was going to speculate on the reason for his return before I read those quotes but it is seemingly apparent that he wanted to come back to try and win it again. Enviro believes he has an understanding with Shero that if he performs even better this year that he will re-sign him again next year for more money and a longer contract. That seems like a big risk for him, but it is a calculated risk. Under Therrien, Fedotenko didn't get a lot of work with Evgeni Malkin on the second line. It wasn't until Dan Bylsma took over that he started to get quality time with better offensive players. He scored 5 goals and 13 assists with a +11 rating in the 25 games under Bylsma. Take that over an entire season and he might end up with a 60 point season. His stock will really rise then. Add in the possibility of another Cup win and he is on course to hit the jackpot.

In addition to the Fedotenko signing, the Penguins announced they have signed Pittsburgh-born defenseman Nate Guenin to a one-year contract. From their web site:

The 6-2, 210-pound defenseman played 12 career games in the NHL with the Flyers since 2006, recording two assists and six penalty minutes while collecting a plus-2 rating. The gritty blueliner made his NHL debut in Philadelphia versus the New York Islanders January 18, 2007. In three seasons with the Phantoms, Guenin registered 43 points (seven goals, 36 assists) and 333 minutes in penalties while appearing in 207 career games in the AHL. Guenin collected one assist and a plus-2 rating in 12 career post-season contests with the Phantoms in 2007-08.

It appears as though the Penguins are going to try and sign one veteran defenseman and have a bunch of AHL guys try out for the 6th or 7th spot on defense. At one time Rob Scuderi was that guy so here's hoping we find another one.

All in all it was a pretty good day for Penguins hockey. Welcome back, Ruslan.

The Piece Is Missing

If you didn't see this coming then you either had your head in the sand or you were too optimistic for your own good. Rob Scuderi signed a four year, $13.6 million dollar contract with the Los Angeles Kings. He goes from a Stanley Cup winning team to a team that hasn't been to the playoffs since 2002.

While it does suck that he left, you can't begrudge the guy for taking the money. Scuderi was our lowest paid defenseman last year, only making $712,500. To put it in perspective, Eric Godard made more than he did. Hell, even Janne Pesonen was making more than him and he spent the majority of the year in the AHL. Scuderi had arguably his best season and it was his time to cash in. The Stanley Cup win only heightened his value and he had to strike while the iron was hot. He'll be 31 years old in December so this contract was his one and only shot to make the big bucks. While he could have stayed with the Penguins, most reports were saying our offer was for $2 million per. He'll be making $3.4 with the Kings. If he would have taken our offer he would have lost $5.6 million dollars. That is a lot to ask a guy who barely made more than league minimum.

The fact that he went to the Kings is actually good. Obviously the best case scenario would have been to re-sign him, but I never really thought that was going to happen. Shero won't overpay for talent and I would say he is a $2-$2.5 million defenseman. When it became clear he wasn't coming back, I was hoping he would go out West so we wouldn't play him too much. Going to the Kings means he'll be out West and on a shitty team so we'll probably never play them in the playoffs ever. The worst case scenario would have been a good divisional rival or Detroit. Thankfully neither of those nightmares happened.

With the departures of Scuderi and Hal Gill I think we are no longer the odds on favorites to repeat. We just lost the top defensive pairing of the playoffs and that is not easily replaced. Our penalty kill dropped significantly as well. But with that said, it's not like those guys are irreplaceable. There are some capable defenseman left in free agency and there is always the chance of a trade at the deadline to improve the team. Or maybe a guy like Ben Lovejoy, who was +40 (not a typo) this year, will prove to be a capable defenseman. It is definitely going to be an adjustment. But we said the same thing after Hossa, Malone, Ruutu, Conklin, Laraque and Roberts left last year and look where we ended up. I have confidence that Bylsma will be able to coach up any player they put in front of him.

Good-bye, Rob. You were a great player and you will be sorely missed. But don't expect any sympathy when you call at the trading deadline next year begging to come back. We'll be sleeping with another defenseman at that point and won't even answer the phone. Like Enviro said after he signed with the Kings "This is the last time you will ever hear of Rob Scuderi".

Happy Birthday To Us, Happy Birthday To Us...

A year ago today was the very first post here at the Suburban Rob Rossis blog. This will mark the 508th post in our history. We started this blog because of the 2008 NHL Free Agency period and all of the things that were happening to the Penguins team just weeks after losing in the Stanley Cup Finals. We needed a forum to express our displeasure with all of the departures and question all of the new players. There is no way we could have predicted that in one year we would be Stanley Cup Champions, yet still be having the same discussions about the players coming and going.

A lot has happened over the last 365 days. The Steelers won their 6th Super Bowl title. The Penguins won their third Stanley Cup. The Pirates traded away their starting outfield twice. The Into The Wild Contest. And so on and so on.

Since we started this blog we have met a lot of cool people like Lori over at Hockey, Football and Stiletto Shoes, the girls of Puck Huffers, and our most unlikely reader, Symo over at Symo Says. We've had philosophical differences with Toad over at Everything Pittsburgh, but nothing too crazy. Thanks to these gals and guys for being cool with us and having strong opinions that you don't back down from, just like we do.

It hasn't all been good. At least a few people will remember our feud with the Steel City Regurgitation Machine ('hey, someone else said this so I'm going to post it here verbatim') and our inability to get linked on the Pensblog because of their hatred of Rob Rossi and our supposed connection with him (more on that later). We could go into great detail about both of these petty arguments but I really don't want to get a call from an upset husband acting tough on the phone or have some guy with too much time on his hands photoshop a picture of us with penises by our mouths. I can sleep at night with the knowledge that if we met either one in a parking lot somewhere there would be no question who would be walking away from that fight victorious.

We would like to thank all of the people who have visited our site over the past year. If our counter hadn't crapped out on us, you would have been able to see that the site has been viewed over 23,000 times. While that pales in comparison to a lot of sites, we still think it is pretty damn good for a blog that has no sponsors and runs zero advertisements. We haven't whored ourselves out to 30 different sites like Yard Barker unlike some people (*cough* Steel City Sports Fan *cough*). What we've tried to do is spread the word through our blog friends and let people find us themselves. We don't need to be validated because some web site says so. We applaud everyone else on our blog roll that does the same.

So with all that said, we believe it is time for a change. I alluded to this after Game 2 of the Stanley Cup series in a very down moment, but we've been talking about this for a while. We are going to change our name from the Suburban Rob Rossis to something else, but we don't know yet. The reason behind the name was that Rob Rossi made up a helluva lot of free agent signings last year yet 99% of them didn't come true. The joke was that we could make up shit and it would be just as accurate. Somehow that got turned into us liking Rob Rossi, which was never the case. The joke is kind of old now so we're looking for something new.

What do you think we should be called? Send us an email or post a comment. If we like your suggestion, we will send you a fish taco from Long John Silver's.

I Know We Are Supposed To Trust In Shero, But...

I'm usually on board with all of the moves Ray Shero makes. I say usually because I was upset last year with some of the guys that were let go in free agency. But it's a new year and with a Stanley Cup Championship for his efforts, I'm more than willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

But the man is seriously testing my faith already. The Pens announced that they signed Mike Rupp away from the New Jersey Devils at the same moment they were saying goodbye to defensive stalwart Hal Gill. I'm upset that Gill is gone because I thought he was a lot better than a lot of fans gave him credit for and by all accounts was a stellar guy in the locker room. With that said I also knew there was little chance for him to come back at his current salary. If Montreal wanted to give him a raise at the age of 34, then he just had to take it.

But Mike Rupp? Really? Why did we need another fourth line player at almost a million per year ($825k to be exact)? I know he has size (6'5") and is a big body (230 lbs) but we already have Godard so why get another one? Someone people will point out that he is a better offense threat than Godard due to his 53 career points versus Godard's 12 career points. But do points really matter when we're talking about this type of player? Godard is a better fighter than Rupp, having beat him several times over the years, and I would assume provides a better deterrent to cheap shoting our star players than Rupp would. His stock isn't very high with me considering he has never been a plus player in his career.

This signing gives credence to the rumor that the Pens are trying to trade Godard and Pascal Dupuis to the Calgary Flames. I'd have to wait and see who they would get in the deal, but my immediate reaction is negative. I'm not a big fan of fucking with team chemistry. I've seen it work against teams over the years but they continue to do it. Last year we really didn't have a choice because a bunch of people jumped ship early and he had to fill the roster somehow. This seems a little different because it appears as if we are actively seeking new people while our top free agents are still unsigned. Losing Gill is going to hurt. If we lose Scuds and Fedotenko, plus trade away Godard and Dupuis, you're talking about losing almost a fifth of the Stanley Cup winning team. I know this team is about Crosby and Malkin but what is the point in messing with a good thing?

Sorry, I can't say that I like this one bit. If the Pens win the Cup next year and Mike Rupp was the guy who crashed the net for the winning goal, then I will gladly eat crow. But I just don't see that happening.

If You're Happy And...You Know The Drill

Can you believe it has been almost three full weeks since our Game 7 victory? As soon as the game ended I had several blog ideas that I wanted to get to but haven't gotten around to them yet for various reasons. I am a little behind schedule so please forgive the lateness of this post. I realize that I'm going to be talking about hockey into July but oh well.

One of the ideas I had was to go through the roster and explain why I was happy for that person winning the Cup. So without further ado, here on my thoughts on the 2008-2009 Pittsburgh Penguins:

Craig Adams: I'm glad he won the Cup because he is the type of player I would be if I had an ounce of talent. Back in March when the Penguins claimed Adams off of waivers from the Chicago Blackhawks, I thought nothing of it. I knew he was going to be a fourth line player at best but I also had faith in Shero since he has a knack for finding these diamond in the rough guys. Adams filled a vital role on the team by logging quality minutes on the fourth line and for being an excellent penalty killer. He also showed a little scoring touch by notching 3 goals in the playoffs when he only had 2 during the entire regular season. Finally, and this will be a common theme, you cannot discount the importance of being a Stanley Cup winner. I think that is one of the reasons Shero brought him to the team and it turned out to be a very smart move. I'm happy for you, Craig.


Phillipe Boucher: I'm glad he won the Cup because he never bitched about being scratched. He was a healthy scratch the majority of the playoffs but when Gonchar went down in the Washington series he stepped in and played the best hockey I have seen from him all year. While only playing limited minutes as the 7th defensemen when Gonchar came back, Boucher was still able to contribute 4 points in 9 games. He can also lay claim to the fact that he had the game winning goal in Game 1 of the Carolina series. A previous Cup winner with Dallas, Phillipe seemed to really enjoy the Cup win as much as guys almost half his age. While he won't be back next year due to age, injuries and cost, I'm glad he got to have one final go-round with Lord Stanley. I'm happy for you, Phillipe.


Matt Cooke: I'm happy he won the Cup because he was an aggressive hitman without taking stupid penalties. When Jarkko Ruutu left in the offseason, it was one of the few losses that I was upset about because I thought we lost something very valuable. Leave it up to Shero to go out and find a player who filled the same role but did it better. He finished 5th in the league in hits during the regular season and was third in the playoffs (most by a Penguins' forward). There were times during the playoffs that the third line was the best line on the ice for either team and a lot of that has to do with the work of Cooke along the boards. He also contributed valuable minutes on the penalty kill. I'm happy for you, Matt.


Sidney Crosby: I'm happy he won the Cup because he had the weight of the world on his shoulders and he accomplished what very few in his situation have in the past. Think about this for a minute, the guy is only 21 years old and has been in two Stanley Cup Finals. He already has a Calder Trophy, an Art Ross Trophy, a Hart Trophy, and now the biggest one of them all, the Stanley Cup. The amount he has accomplished in such a short amount of time is amazing. Gretzky was 23 when he won it for the first time and Lemieux was 25. Lesser men have crumbled under the enormous pressure similar to watch Crosby is going through. Eric Lindros comes to mind. Lindros only made it to the Stanley Cup Finals once, coincidentally enough losing to the Detroit Red Wings in 1997. The fact that Crosby went through a similar loss last year, but was able to come back and lead his team to the Cup is remarkable. I'm happy for you, Sidney.


Pascal Dupuis: I'm happy he won the Cup because he played the roles we needed him to play. Last year Therrien made the mistake of trying to shoehorn Dupuis into a top line position with Sidney Crosby, probably because of his blazing speed. The problem is he has the scoring touch of a comic book nerd who lives in his parent's basement. With the acquisition of Guerin and Kunitz, Dupuis was able to settle into a role more suited to him, a 3rd/4th line guy who kills penalties. While Dupuis was the only Penguin who didn't score in the playoffs, he played a big role in their Stanley Cup victory, especially against Detroit, by blocking shots and hustling to loose pucks. It must be nice for him to be 'the other guy' in the Hossa trade who now has his name on the Cup. I'm happy for you, Pascal.


Mark Eaton: I'm happy he won the Cup because he was steady all year long. When Shero signed him in the offseason I had my reservations. Our overall defense did take a dip when he was injured last year, but he had never played even a half of a season in two years with the Pens. But this year he almost played as many games as the last two years combined. He also tied career highs in goals in 7 less games so he was providing solid defense with a touch of offense. Once he got to the playoffs he helped anchor an underrated defense and also chipped in four more goals, tying Kris Letang for the most among defenseman. I'm happy for you, Mark.


Ruslan Fedotenko: I'm happy he won the Cup because he was a clutch playoff performer. When he signed here unfortunately a lot of people thought he was going to be a Ryan Malone type player and put up his numbers. But anyone with half of a brain could have checked his history and saw that he was a consistent 16-19 goal scorer. But short sighted people decided to throw him under the bus, including the supposed 'authority' on Penguins hockey, the Pensblog, who repeatedly called him "Fedostinko" during the year. He got slammed for not being more productive, but if you look at his stats for this year he preformed as good as he has throughout his career. In fact, he had career high numbers for assists (23) and plus/minus (+18) while tying his second highest point total of his career (39). I'm convinced that if he didn't break his hand on Colby Armstrong's face that he would have had career high numbers across the board because the injury limited him to a career low 65 games. I really would like to see how he played under Dan Bylsma for an entire season. He scored 5 goals and 13 assists with a +11 rating in the 25 games under Bylsma. That would calculate out to almost a 60 point season. He then proceeded to take his play to another level in the playoffs, where he was tied for fourth on the team in scoring (14) and first on the team in plus/minus (+9). He scored timely goals, mainly against Washington which always tied the game, and dished out some fine passes. Oh yeah, and don't forget that he was a previous Cup winner. He proved his worth and hopefully they grant his wish and sign him again for next year I'm happy for you, Ruslan.


Marc-Andre Fleury: I'm happy he won the Cup because he proved his critics wrong, including myself. I'm not going to profess my love for Fleury because it would be hypocritical. Like Enviro said in his post from a few weeks ago, Fleury ranks near the bottom in all statistical categories for Stanley Cup winning goaltenders in the last two decades. My problem with him has always been consistency. He will be lights out amazing one game, then give up the softest goals in the world the next. That infuriating problem is the reason I can never truly get behind him as an elite goaltender. But all that bitching aside, the simple truth is he was the winning goaltender in the Stanley Cup Finals. I thought he played his best game in Game 6 and was sharp when he had to be in Game 7 (although that goal he gave up was soft...sorry). If he could ever harness his talent on a consistent basis I think he has the potential to put his name on the Cup numerous times. He still has time considering he doesn't turn 25 till November. I'm hoping he can do it. I'm happy for you, Marc-Andre.


Mathieu Garon: I'm happy he won the Cup because...um...he was there? Yeah, I have no real ties to Garon. He came over in the trade that sent Dany Sabourin, Ryan Stone, and a 2011 4th round draft pick to the Edmonton Oilers and really didn't do much. He only played in 4 regular season games with the Pens (one in every month) including 3 starts. He finished the year 2-1 with a 2.91 GAA and .894 SV %. Nothing really impressive. His claim to fame in the playoffs was coming in for Fleury in Game 5 of the Finals when Detroit was already ahead 5-0. I guess he will be the answer to the trivia question "What goalie replaced Marc-Andre Fleury in the Finals before Fleury won the finals two games to claim the 2009 Stanley Cup?" He did stop all the shots he faced in that game though so congrats on that. I'm happy for you, Mathieu.


Hal Gill: I'm happy he won the Cup because he proved size matters and speed isn't everything. Enviro and I were unabashed Gill supporters for the entire year and all through the playoffs. When everyone was throwing him under the bus for being slow, we kept plugging how effective he was being. It still amazes me how much flack people were giving him in the Carolina series because their speedy forwards were beating him to pucks, yet we never lost a single game in that series. Gill has proven himself year in and year out as a guy who could shut down top forwards, like he used to do against Jaromir Jagr. This year was no different as he combined with Scuderi to shut down Jeff Carter (1 goal, 0 assists) in the Flyers series, limit Alexander Ovechkin (4 goals in the final 5 games) in the Capitals series, and Eric Staal (1 goal, 1 assist) in the Hurricanes series. He finished the playoffs an impressive +8, which was only one behind the team leaders while logging nearly 20 minutes of ice time a game. Let's not forget about his work on the penalty kill. Do you know who won that race in the classic Aesop Fables tale? Harold Priestly Gill. Fuck that rabbit. I'm happy for you, Hal.


Eric Godard: I'm happy he won the Cup because he was able to kick people's asses and make Lori swoon. Godard tied career highs in goals, assists, points, and PIM while playing the majority of the year on the fourth line. Well, actually, where else would he play? When we lost Georges Laraque I was worried about losing not only arguably the best fighter in the league but also a guy who could grind it out behind the net. However, the problem with Big Georges was always that if the other team got the puck and went the other way, we were screwed because Laraque couldn't catch a zamboni. Godard proved to be not only a good fighter, he also was defensively responsible. He did finish -3, but Laraque was a -6 in 38 less games. While he didn't play any games in the playoffs, he helped get us to 4th in the conference. I'm happy for you, Eric.


Sergei Gonchar: I'm happy he won the Cup because he came back from two major injuries in the same season. When Gonchar went down to a major shoulder injury in the preseason, I figured it would allow players like Kris Letang and Alex Goligoski to shine. I actually thought this might help the Penguins because if they showed they could replace him, we could let Gonchar and his $5 million contract go. Things were actually looking up when they went 9-3 in November. But the wheels fell off the bus in December and January and the Pens found themselves in 10th place. Gonchar came back in mid-February and the Pens took off. They went 17-4-4 with Gonchar in the line-up to jump all the way to 4th place. After dispatching the Flyers in 6, the Pens faced their old nemesis, the Capitals in the 2nd round when tragedy happened again. Alexander Ovechkin's blatant illegal hit on Gonchar in Game 4 knocked the defenseman out of that game and the following two. Gonchar would make a miraculous return for Game 7 and a 6-2 route in which he had the opening assist. He averaged 22 minutes a game over the rest of the playoffs, which is incredible considering it was revealed that he played all of those games with a partially torn right MCL which would have caused a lesser player to miss months. He battled through the pain to hoist his first Stanley Cup in a illustrious 14 year career. I'm happy for you, Sergei.


Bill Guerin: I'm happy he won the Cup because he recaptured his youth while sparking our young players. Whomever that draft pick is that the Islanders get in the third round, he will be hard pressed to match what Bill Guerin meant to this team. It was obvious for a majority of the season that they lacked a strong, veteran voice in the locker room. Gonchar is too quiet, Gill is too much of a jokester, Boucher was hurt for major parts of the year, and everyone else is under 34. Guerin joined the team on March 5th and after busting Crosby's chop in his first practice quickly solidified his place on the team. Over the 17 games with the Pens he scored 5 goals and added 7 assists. But his biggest contribution to the team came in the playoffs where he finished third in scoring behind the Big 2 with 7 goals and 8 assists. Those 15 points were the most he has ever scored in any Stanley Cup playoff year in his entire career and he did it at the age of 38. He scored timely goals, he set up huge goals, and most importantly he shared his Cup winning knowledge with the young guys. Many cited him as one of the main reasons we won. He had to wait 14 years between winning those Cups, but I'd be willing to bet he'd say it was worth it. I'm happy for you, Billy.


Tyler Kennedy: I'm happy he won the Cup because he is our Energizer Bunny. Remember all throughout the playoffs they were showing that commercial about the seconds ticking away? They showed TK slamming his stick on the bench during last year's Finals loss and you could tell he wanted it then. Well, he wanted it more this year. Probably the only other person on the team who tries hard every single shift like Talbot, Kennedy was the spark plug on the 3rd line who scored huge goals. While he only had 5 in the playoffs, we won every single game he scored in. Of those 5 goals, 3 of them were game winners, including the eventual game winner in Game 6 against Detroit. The scary thing about TK is he has room for improvement considering he is still only 22. Yet another guy on this team who can barely drink in a bar yet has gone through two Stanley Cup Finals already. I'm happy for you, Tyler.


Chris Kunitz: I'm happy he won the Cup because he was the reason we no longer have Ryan Whitney. Kunitz came over in the big trade with Anaheim that happened a week before the actual deadline, but no deal was bigger as far as I'm concerned. Not only did we get rid of the albatross that was Shitney, we go a quality, gritty player who added a dynamic the Penguins desperately needed in the playoffs. Kunitz lit it up when he first came over, scoring 7 goals and 11 assists in the 20 games he played in the black and gold while mainly playing with Staal and Kennedy. When Crosby came back from injury Kunitz joined him and Guerin on First Line A and provided the checking and board work necessary for success. A lot was made of Kunitz not scoring in the playoffs (he only had 1 goal) but he did a lot of other things that don't show up on the stats sheet. And it's not like he didn't score, he had a career high 13 assists and his 14 points were easily the most he has ever scored in the playoffs. It also didn't hurt to be a former champion who knows what it takes to win. I'm happy for you, Chris.


Kris Letang: I'm happy he won the Cup because he is the player Ryan Whitney never could be. Letang, in just his second full season, nearly doubled his output from last season. There were times he looked really jittery at the point on the power play, but I constantly had to remind myself that he just turned 22 in April. The thing with all of these young players is the fact that they are getting the majority of their experience at a very high level. Nearly 25% of all the games Letang has ever played in the NHL have come in the playoffs. That is a staggering amount. Letang was a menace against the Capitals, scoring three of his four goals against them. He certainly had one of the largest goals in the playoffs when he scored midway through the opening overtime period in Game 3 against the Caps. If he doesn't score there, who knows what would have happened? I thought he matured considerably this year and took great strides to becoming the replacement Gonchar when Sergei finally calls it quits. I'm happy for you, Kris.


Evgeni Malkin: I'm happy he won the Cup because he proved all of his doubters wrong. Last year Geno ran out of gas in the Finals and he took a lot of flack for it. People failed to realize that in just his second season he was playing over 100 games in 8 months. That is a lot of hockey to be played when you are used to playing a fraction of that. But like for all the young Penguins, it was a learning experience. That translated into a great regular season in which he lead the league in scoring for the first time with 113 points and had an even better playoffs where he scored 36 points in 24 games, the most points scored in the playoffs in over a decade. Geno established himself as arguably the best player on the team, if not the entire league. His offense improved, his defense improved, his English improved, etc. While he did benefit from having Crosby on the other line, he took steps to set himself apart as well. Plus, he has the greatest hockey parents in the world. He's got it all. I'm happy for you, Evgeni.


Brooks Orpik: I'm happy he won the Cup because he didn't chase the money after last season. After we lost in the Finals last year I figured Orpik was a goner. He was by far our best defenseman in the Finals and it was obvious teams around the league took notice. How could you not with a guy who was near the top in hits during the regular season and lead the playoffs? He was heavily coveted by the Rangers and was prepared to make a killing on the open market like his friend Ryan Malone. But something happened very uncommon it today's sports world, he chose a good situation over ridiculous amounts of money. He was paid well, but not nearly what he could have made elsewhere. He recognized the talent level here and wanted to be a part of it. That decision worked out a helluva lot better than the one Marian Hossa made. I was surprised to see that he had career high numbers in assists and points during the year because I actually thought he had an uneventful season. He got stronger as the playoffs wore on and was once again one of our better defenseman in the Finals. He was second in the league in hits and easily first on the team. Good thing is we get to see those hits for another five years. I'm happy for you, Brooks.


Miroslav Satan: I'm happy he won the Cup because he was a professional during a trying year. Satan had unachievable expectations heaped on him by fans and the media before the ink was even dry on the contract. He was a former 40 goal scorer who many thought was going to play with Crosby and reclaim his former goal scoring touch. His arrival was supposed to take the place of Marian Hossa, who defected after last season to the hated Detroit Red Wings. What people chose not to realize was the fact that Satan only scored 40 goals once in his career (1998-1999 season) and only scored more than 70 points twice in his career (73 in 2001-2002 and 75 in 2002-2003). Anyone who thought he was going to come in here and put up 80+ points like Hossa averaged, then they were just fooling themselves. It's obvious to me now that Satan did not fit in with Therrien's style and his play suffered because of it. He did score more goals this year than he did last year with the Islanders in 15 fewer games. His 36 points were the second fewest in his career, but what can you expect when you're playing on the fourth line for 7 minutes a night? But his crowning achievement is when he was demoted to the Wilkes/Barre Scranton team to free up money to land Billy Guerin at the trade deadline. He easily could have declined seeing as how he is a 13 year veteran of the league, but he accepted the move. There were reports out of WBS that Satan took the entire team out to dinner for a bonding experience and impose his wisdom on guys trying to make it to the NHL. He then got the call back up to the Pens for the playoffs and replaced an extremely underperforming Petr Sykora in Game 5 of the opening round against the Flyers. He produced a goal and 5 assists in 17 playoff games and was even out sacrificing his body to block shots in Game 7 against Detroit. I'm happy for you, Miroslav.


Rob Scuderi: I'm happy he won the Cup because he was the Piece. Far and away our best defensive defenseman, Scuds was the guy given the tough assignments against the opponent's top players night in and night out. You rarely heard his name called, which meant he was shutting down the players he was assigned to without taking dumb penalites. In fact, he only had three penalites called on him during the entire playoffs, which tied Gill for lease amount of PIM for regulars. Where would we be without him in Game 6 against Detroit when he stopped not one, not two, but three potential game tying goals in the waning seconds? He almost had as many saves as Garon. His solid play and quiet demeanor started to endear himself to the fans, yet Enviro and I have been huge fans for years. Hopefully he will re-sign here because he is a vital piece to puzzle. I'm happy for you, Rob.


Jordan Staal: I'm happy he won the Cup because he matured as a player during the toughest round of his life. Make no mistake, I have never been a big fan of Staal. It mainly has to do with his outrageous salary for an underperforming third line center. If he only made $2 million a year I probably wouldn't bitch about him as much. But the contract is what it is at this point. I thought Staal improved with each round and was one of the guys assigned to keeping the other superstars in check. There were points in times during games that the third line was easily our best line. He started showing flashes of why the Pens are psyched about him when he became more physical, especially in the Detroit series, and started using his size to his advantage. He scored the potential series changing short handed goal in Game 4 which tied the game at the midway point and helped the team to win the game. He also had the game tying goal in Game 6 which the Pens won 2-1. And I can't name a lot of guys who seemed to want to win Game 7 more than Staal did. If he keeps this up I will change my opinion of him. He has time considering he doesn't turn 21 till September. I'm happy for you, Jordan.


Petr Sykora: I'm happy he won the Cup because he has a dirtier mouth than I do. What a difference a year makes? Last year he was set up to possibly go down in history as one of Pittsburgh sports' greatest memories when he scored in OT of Game 5 against the Red Wings to force another game. If Pittsburgh would have rallied to win that series Petr's goal would have been replayed on highlight reels for generations. But then things fell apart this year. His production dropped to the lowest output since the third year of his career over a decade ago. He only played 7 games of the playoffs, registering just one assist. Sykora was one of my favorite players when the season started (I was legimately psyched to meet him in February) but it slowly turned to frustration followed by resentment. I resented the fact that he had a longer goal scoring dry spell than Miro Satan yet everyone was bad mouthing Satan without mentioning Sykora. He did nothing in the playoffs and when he got benched for Satan, people cried foul. Well, Satan scored 6 points while playing on the fourth line and Sykora didn't score while playing with Malkin. You do the math. Anyway, I'm still glad he won because he was cursing like a sailor during the Stanley Cup presentation which made me laugh. I'm happy for you, Petr.


Maxime Talbot: I'm happy he won the Cup because he is a Superstar. It's been no secret that Talbot has been one of my favorite players since his call-up four years ago. He was gritty, tenacious, and had a certain something about him that was undefineable. What that something was turned out to be the fact that he is a winner pure and simple. He played his ass off last year with a broken foot and forever earned my respect when he willed the puck across the line with 34 seconds left to force overtime in Game 5 against Detroit. He signed a two year extension and everyone was happy. But 2008-2009 was a down year which had fans and so called Penguins blogging experts talking about getting rid of him. He had a horrendous plus/minus number the majority of the season (I believe a -17 at one point) and wasn't scoring. In fact, he went 24 games straight from mid-November to early January without scoring a goal. But then Dan Bylsma took over and Mad Max was back in action. He scored 6 of his 12 goals in the 24 games coached by Bylsma and was a +3. Then he took his play to another level in the playoffs. One could say he turned the tide of the Pens fortunes when he fought Flyers tough guy Daniel Carcillo in Game 6 against the Flyers. The Pens were down 3-0 with only four minutes gone in the second when Talbot baited the lunkhead Carcillo into a fight. Although he lost, he spurred his team on and they made a dramatic comeback to win 5-3 and close out Philadelphia. He started putting points on the board against the Hurricanes and was even better against the Red Wings. His four goals in the Finals were more than Zetterberg, Hossa, Datsyuk, Hudler, Lidstrom, Holmstrom and Samuelsson combined. For a guy who was selected 234th in his draft year, that's not bad at all. I'm happy for you, Max.


A lot of research went into this article and I am officially exhausted. Stay tuned for my post about which guys can suck my dick since we won the Cup. It'll be great!

Seriously, Who The Fuck Is Running The Pirates?

I haven't said a word about the Pittsburgh Pirates this year because frankly, I've had a lot more important things to talk about. In fact, after this post, I'm finally going to finish a hockey post that I have been writing for about a week now. After that? Another hockey post. And probably another one. So yeah, not much room to talk about the shitty Pirates. Until today.

In two separate trades the Pirates dealt away half of their outfield for the second consecutive year. Earlier today they sent former American League Rookie of the Year Eric Hinske and $400,000 in cash (yes, the Pirates paid a portion of his $1.5 million contract) to the New York Yankees for right-hander Casey Erickson and outfielder Eric Fryer. Then they traded starting left fielder Nyjer Morgan and pitcher Sean Burnett to the Washington Nationals for outfielder Lastings Milledge and reliever Joel Hanrahan. Add in the Nate McClouth deal from earlier this year when they got pitcher Charlie Morton and two minor leaguers and you have a quite possibly the worst management team in any major professional sports.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think Morgan or Hinske were all stars or that McClouth would have ushered in a renaissance of Pirates baseball if he had stayed. But perception is reality and the Pirates management have made it clear that they don't care about winning. All they care about is getting the big fat check the Steinbrenners of the world are forced to write them at the end of the year. How else can you describe it when last year they traded Jason Bay and Xavier Nady and now this year they do the exact same thing? Don't expect Jack Wilson or Freddy Sanchez to be around much longer. And next year it wouldn't surprise me to see Doumit dealt. This is a minor league team masquerading as a major league team. Until that changes, there is no point in wasting your hard earned dollars on them.

Want more proof? Look at the pile of garbage we got in return:

Milledge hit .167 in seven games before being demoted and has been out since May with a broken finger he sustained by not executing a bunt correctly. He has had injury problems and has a reputation of being very immature.

Hanrahan is 0-3 with a 7.71 ERA in 34 games this year and has a 5.30 ERA in 115 career games.

The other two bums have never made it beyond Class A so what are they? A step above me? Whatever.

The sad thing is I used to love baseball. But as the years go by I watch less and less of it. And with the Pirates basically giving a big "FUCK YOU" to the fans, I'm not sure if I'll ever go back.

Way to ruin my childhood team, assholes.

The Good News Keeps On Coming

In a move that will surely delight the majority of Penguins fans, the team announced tonight that they have re-signed forward Bill Guerin to a one year deal worth $2 million. Everyone knows that Guerin waived his no trade clause with the New York Islanders to come to the Penguins at the trade deadline this year. Talk about going from the gutter to the penthouse in one day. Guerin instantly meshed with Sidney Crosby and scored 5 goals and 7 assists during his 17 regular season games. That would only be a precursor to what he would contribute in the playoffs.

Guerin was notorious for being a rental player who didn't do much in the playoffs. There were his years in Dallas where he scored only 3 goals and 2 assists total in three different playoffs runs. And who could forget the San Jose Sharks trading for him at the 2007 trading deadline only to have Guerin produce just 2 assists in 9 games? The best year he ever had in the playoffs up until this year came in 1995 with the New Jersey Devils where he scored 3 goals and added 8 assists. But all of the history and stats went out the window when he pulled the Penguins jersey over his grizzled head. He tied career highs in goals (7) and assists (8) while getting career highs in points (15) and plus/minus (+8).

All of those stats are measurable, but it is harder to gauge what he actually meant to all the players in the locker room. I read a great quote from head coach Dan Bylsma, who is actually two months younger than Guerin, in which he said: "And for a 38-year-old guy who could easily kind of say, 'Practice? I don't want to go out today. It's 20 minutes on the ice. Do we really need it?' he was the first guy to say, 'Great, let's go.' And it's hard for anybody else to take a different direction when that guy is saying and doing those things." Leading by example is so underrated nowadays but it seemed to work out for the best for the Penguins.

So Shero has taken two cogs of the Stanley Cup winning team off of the market and put them back into place for at least another year. I'm sure he will now turn his sights on to signing Rob Scuderi and Ruslan Fedotenko after they test the free agent waters. After that it will probably be a matter of looking at Gill and Sykora as possibly staying and then whomever else is out there who can help this team win another championship. I'll have to get Enviro to update his free agent spreadsheet to see where we stand after spending $2.55 million on Guerin and Adams. I'm hoping they work out a deal with Gonchar to give him more years at a reduced rate which will free up money for Scuds and Tenk but we'll just have to wait and see.

In the meantime, Crosby should be happy he got his buddy back and can look forward to more of this at practice:

Adams In The Family

The Pittsburgh Penguins announced late this afternoon that they have re-signed forward Craig Adams to a two year deal which will pay him $550k per year. What's surprising is the fact that Adams made $600k last year, so he actually took a pay cut to stay with the Pens. Adams was claimed off of waivers from the Chicago Blackhawks on March 4th and quickly cemented his position as a penalty killing 4th line grinder. He only had 1 assist in 9 games with the Pens during the regular season but he had 3 goals and 2 assists while appearing in every playoff game. The other overlooked variable was the fact that he had previous Cup winning experience with the Carolina Hurricanes.

I would be interested to hear him explain why he took a pay cut to stay. Enviro believes it is because he was let go by a young Chicago team that wasn't very deep and Adams appreciated the fact that the Penguins wanted him. There is also the obvious fact that the Pens will be one of the favorites to win it all again next year. Adams is 32 and is never going to put up tremendous numbers to land a big contract, so why not stay where you are wanted and can potentially win another Cup in the next two years? It seems like a logical reason to me.

The only problem I have with the signing is the fact that this pretty much means that Mike Zigomanis will not be back next year. We have a lot of 3rd/4th line talent with Talbot, Staal, Kennedy, Cooke, Dupuis, Adams, Godard, and guys waiting in the minors. I guess one of the only ways in which I could see them bringing Zigo back is if Fedotenko leaves and they bump Kennedy up to the second line. That would create room for Dupuis on the 3rd line and allow Zigo to center the fourth line. I'm sure there are more scenarios but I just found out some great news that I have to post about now.

Either way, glad to have Adams back. Solid move by Shero once again.

Don't Ask Don't Tell About The NHL Draft

Are you looking for some in depth analysis and opinions about the 2009 Draft class of the Pittsburgh Penguins? Well, you're not going to find it here. Listen, I love hockey tremendously, but it would be disingenuous of me to prattle on about the Penguins selections when in all honesty I don't know a thing about these guys. Anyone who claims that they do are either paid scouts or they are lying. It's really that black and white. I've never seen Simon Despres skate an inch so how am I able to write a single word about him? I've read the papers like everyone else. Did he drop in the draft because of injury or because he might be the second coming of Ryan Whitney? Frankly, I don't know.

And that is where everyone should stop because no one knows how these kids are going to turn out. Even the guys who make their living driving to Medicine Hat in the middle of January get it wrong more often than not. Obviously there are some guys who are just gimmes, like Lemieux, Gretzky, Crosby, Malkin, etc. But if I had the time and inclination to go back through the years, I'm sure I would find a lot of busts and a lot of 'why didn't they draft ___________ instead of ___________?' If paid professionals get it wrong, what odds do I have?

One of my first memories about the NHL draft was back in 1990. I was 13 and I vividly remember my Dad reading the Pittsburgh Press (that used to be the largest Pittsburgh newspaper kiddies) and he told me the Penguins drafted Jaromir Jagr with the 5th pick. My reaction was 'Who is Jaromir Jagr?' But it really didn't matter because I didn't know who Petr Nedved or Mike Ricci was either but they both went higher in the draft. I got all the trading cards of the Draft class that year and marveled at guys like Drake Berehowsky (10th overall) and Shawn Antoski (18th overall). I figured these would be names I would be hearing about for years. Little did I know that those guys who never amount to anything while guys like Doug Weight (34th overall), Sergei Zubov (85th overall), Robert Lang (133rd overall), and Peter Bondra (156th overall) would all go on to have much greater careers. If Jagr, who finished his NHL career with nearly 1,600 points could get drafted behind Owen Nolan, Nedved, Keith Primeau, and Ricci, what chance does anyone else have of predicting who is going to be the best player in their draft? For every Jagr there is a Scott Scissons, who went 6th that year and played in 3 NHL games total. It shouldn't surprise you that he went to the Islanders.

Through the 90s I watched closely who the Penguins selected in the first round. There were good players like Markus Naslund (16th in 1991) and Martin Straka (19th in 1992), but for the most part we chose very poorly. Only the most astute fan (or avid EA Sports NHL video game player) will remember such players as Stefan Bergkvist (26th in 1993), Chris Wells (24th in 1994), Craig Hillier (23rd in 1996), Robert Dome (17th in 1997), Milan Kraft (23rd in 1998), and Konstantin Koltsov (18th in 1999). In those lean years we passed on guys like Chris Osgood (54th in 1991), Nikolai Khabibulin (204th in 1992), Miroslav Satan (111th in 1993), Evgeni Nabokov (219th in 1994), Zdeno Chara (56th in 1996), Brian Campbell (156th in 1997), Pavel Datsyuk (171st in 1998) and Martin Havlat (26th in 1999).

1995 was the only year where I thought they had potential to have a really good player when they selected Aleksey Morozov 24th. I was at the game where he was announced as the Penguins #1 draft pick and he was shown on the JumboTron from his seats. He played well when he started but never materialized into a good player because he couldn't adapt to the American style of play which was a shame. It's also a shame we could have had future All-Stars Marc Savard (91st) or Miikka Kiprusoff (116th) that year.

We obviously know what has happened with our recent #1 picks of Brooks Oprik (18th in 2000), Marc-Andre Fleury (#1 in 2003), Evgeni Malkin (#2 in 2004), and Sidney Crosby (#1 in 2005). But if you look at 2002, we screwed up pretty badly. Starting off with Ryan Whitney (5th overall), Ondrej Nemec (35th) Erik Christensen (69th), Daniel Fernholm (101st), Andy Sertich (136th), and Cam Paddock (137th). It wasn't until the 234th pick that we selected Maxime Talbot.

So maybe Simon Despres will be a good puck moving defenseman. Or maybe Philip Samuelsson will play like his dad Ulf. The fact of the matter is you would have to be an idiot to believe that people know now what these guys will do in the future. If 233 other players can be selected before the Superstar in 2002, then no one knows what the fuck they are doing.

Thank you and goodnight.

It's Always Shitty In Philadelphia

Don't you love it when a division rival fucks up royally? Me too.

The Philadelphia Flyers got their names in the headlines on Draft Day for something other than sucking when they announced that they acquired former All Star defenseman Chris Pronger from the Anaheim Ducks for forward Joffrey Lupul, defenseman Luca Sbisa, first-round picks in 2009 and 2010 and a conditional third-round pick in 2010 or 2011. That's right, the Flyers traded two players and three draft picks for a 34-year-old defenseman (he turns 35 in October) whose best years are arguably behind him.

Don't get me wrong, Pronger is a good defenseman, but that is a helluva lot to give up for one guy. He played in all 82 games last year, which was the first time ever in his 15 year career but logged a tremendous amount of minutes. He has averaged between 26 and 27 minutes of ice time a game in his three years in Anaheim. I don't care how good of condition you are in, that is a lot of wear and tear on the body. So even though he is 6 months younger than Sergei Gonchar, I would have to think he is somewhat older based on his style of play and the shear volume of minutes he plays night in and night out. I also don't think he is going to help them against the Penguins. While he is large at 6'6", he is not particularly quick and has never had any real success against the Penguins with any of the four teams he has previously played with.

I'm not sure what the addition of Pronger does to the Flyers salary cap situation. Pronger makes $6.25 million a year while Lupul was making $4.25 million a year. Their payroll currently stands almost at $51.5 million with Lupul so you add in the difference from Pronger and they are at $53.5 million, or roughly $3 million under the cap. They still don't have a backup goalie signed behind Ray Emery and Mike Knuble and his $2.8 million contract is hanging out there. Yeah, I can't say this was a smart move by the Flyers.

So what did the Flyers lose? I was kind of surprised to see that Lupul will only be turning 26 in September. For some reason I thought he has been in the league longer than that. He scored 25 goals and 25 assists last year. He returns to Anaheim where he had a career year in 2005-2006. I'm not sad to see him go because he always seemed to score against the Pens. 4 of his 25 goals came against Pittsburgh, which was tied with the Atlanta as the most goals against a single opponent. It was even worse the previous year when he scored 5 goals and had 5 assists against the Pens, by far the most against any singular opponent. Good-bye to you, Joff.

Luca Sbisa is a 19-year-old defenseman from Italy (ITALY?) who played 39 games this year and collected 7 assists. He graded out at a 8.0 out of 10 on Hockey's Future and they said he was "A confident puck-carrying defenseman, Sbisa has room to grow on his 6’1 frame." He was ranked as the third highest prospect in the Flyers system. Then you have to add at minimum the 30th pick in the next two drafts and a conditional pick either next year or the following and it seems to me that Anaheim got the steal of a lifetime.

Who won the trade? Anaheim without a doubt.

Free agency starts next Wednesday and it looks like we are going to have a lot to talk about.

Hockey Chicks Are Cool

Dego was giving me some flack for not posting a female centric blog in a while. You probably have to go back to my middle finger expose to find hot girls in various forms of dress so he does have a point. Here is a post idea I had immediately after the Stanley Cup victory but I'm just getting around to it now. I know it's not exactly what you wanted, Dego, but trust me, there are better ones on the horizon. Until then, let's check out some hockey chicks.

You're supposed to save the best for last, but I do everything back asswards so I'm starting off with the hottest chick, Marc-Andre Fleury's girlfriend, Veronique.

Fleury has to be on top of the world right now. A new contract, a Stanley Cup victory and a smoking hot girlfriend. His chick must really love bathroom tile because that is the first thing that comes to mind when I see him smile.

I actually prefer her with really dark hair as seen in this picture, but if the first picture is any indication, she can pull off any hair color and look smoking hot. I don't know what it is about Fleury that makes all the girls swoon though. He is a stick figure guy with ginormous teeth and that weird lip thing. Maybe he wooed her by speaking French. I know Enviro got all hot and bothered by a French Canadian stripper on our first Canada trip, but unfortunately we were both broke by the time she came looking for someone to give a lap dance to. If Veronique would have been working that night, I would have run down the street to hit an ATM. Way to go Fleury, you lucky sunova bitch!


Next up is the uncrowned all around MVP, Evengi Malkin's girlfriend Oksana.

I have to say that this chick doesn't do a whole lot for me. I am not a fan of blonde chicks usually and this girl doesn't help matters. Maybe it is the fashion faux pas of wearing a pokadot bra under a white shirt. Or maybe it is because there is this feeling going around that she is a gold digger so Geno better be weary. We don't need a Russian Yoko Ono fucking anything up for this team going forward.

Ok, fine I admit it, she kind of scares me a little bit. Russian women all seem very tough and if the above picture is an indication, she could probably snap my neck with her thighs. I'm not saying that is a bad thing, but I'm not David Carradine so I'll stay away from that business.


Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't include a shot of the Superstar himself, Max Talbot. I have no idea if this chick is his girlfriend or if it was just some hot co-ed he picked up on the beach.

Either way, you are a pimp, Mr. Talbot.

More hockey and chicks to come.

Detroit Unveils New Tourist Slogan

Summer Of Max

First, there was Mad Max Talbot lighting up the Detroit Red Wings for two goals in the decisive Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. Now, another champion with the Max moniker is making headlines. Max Starks, the tackle the Steelers have tagged the last two years, has signed a reported four year, $26.3 million dollar contract of which $10 million is guaranteed. The deal with keep Starks in a Steelers uniform until at least 2012 and save them roughly $3 million a year. Starks was the transition player in 2008 and the franchise player in 2009, which cost the Steelers $8.451 against the cap because of the rule that a franchise player has to make an average of the top five paid players at that position. A lot of people were scratching their heads last year because Starks wasn't even the starter. It did seem odd to pay a back up more than your starting tackles.

But when Marvel Smith went down with yet another injury, the critics were silenced when Big Max stepped in and helped lead a ragtag group of lineman to the Steelers record 6th Super Bowl title. I still think they had the worst line to ever win a Super Bowl, but it is extremely hard to argue with success. Starks has now started and won two Super Bowls at tackle in four years. Is there anyone else currently playing in the league that can make the same claim? Possibly the guys from New England but that would be my only guess. Maybe I put too much stock in this, but I whole heartily believe there is something to having guys around who have won in the past and know what it takes to get things done.

So with Starks signing, the Steelers have retained all four of their free agent offensive lineman (Kemoeatu, Colon, Essex, Starks). In fact, the Steelers have retained over half of their free agents. They were able to retain:

Charlie Batch, QB
Willie Colon, OT
Trai Essex, OT
Keyaron Fox, LB
Andre Frazier, LB
Chris Kemoeatu, G
Sean McHugh, TE
Max Starks, OT


They have lost the following:

Larry Foote, LB to the Lions
Byron Leftwich, QB to the Buccaneers
Bryant McFadden, CB to the Cardinals
Anthony Smith, S to the Packers
Nate Washington, WR to the Titans
Jamel White RB to the 49ers

No real losses there. A linebacker who would have been fifth on the depth chart, a backup quarterback that cost too much, a good cornerback that is replaceable, a nut job safety who was cut, an unproven wide receiver, and a no name running back. The Steelers signed who they wanted to sign and now can turn their attention to defending their Super Bowl title. Hopefully they've learned from their mistakes of 2006.

Roy Munson Is A Marian Hossa Fan

In the movie "Kingpin", still the best movie to be made about bowling ever, Roy Munson is a guy with amazing talent who fucks up and loses his right hand while trying to swindle guys at a local bowling alley. The running joke in the movie is that whenever someone fucks up, they did a 'Munson'. The urban dictionary defines "Munson" as: someone who has everything going for them and when they reach the pinnacle of their success they do something that causes them to lose it all. Usually whatever makes that person lose it all is by a bad decision they have made driven by greed.

Well, Roy Munson can now lift his head high because people will no longer be using his name to describe an epic fuck up. It will now be known as pulling a "Hossa".

We all know the story. Huge trading deadline transaction plays a role in getting a young team to the Stanley Cup playoffs only to have the team lose to a much more experienced team. He is offered a big contract for a lot of years by his new team but decides to forego years and money to join the team he just lost to because they are the odds on favorite to win the championship again. He has a decent year and the team rolls to another final, only to meet the team he spurned 11 months earlier. He does nothing in the Finals and loses for the second consecutive year. Old team's fans rejoice in ridiculing him. New team's fans wonder why they got him. Player is left holding his ball sack.

Now, if this was written into a movie everyone would say how unbelievable it was. And it's true. It sounds like a terribly written plot to show that the player should have stayed with his original team instead of taking the short cut. Hell, Aesop built an entire career on writing such stories. But the stunning truth is the above all truly did happen to Marian Hossa. Now he is the laughing stock of the league for his decision to sign with the Red Wings which blew up in his face. Not to take any credit or anything, but I kind of predicted they wouldn't win it all with Hossa back in July of last year.

So as much as I am happy that Hossa's decision came back to bite him in the ass, especially at the hands of the Pens, I find myself feeling a little sorry for him. If you stop and really think about it, no matter what choice he made he probably wasn't going to win the Cup this year. Obviously we know what happened with him being in Detroit. Now granted, he really didn't help his cause by only scoring goals in 3 out of 23 games in the playoffs (2 goals in each of the first three Game 4s) and only mustered 3 assists in the Finals. He did little to shake the "Maid Marian" moniker for disappearing in the playoffs. Last year's run with the Penguins was by far his most productive but he just didn't get it done this year with a supposedly stronger team. So I guess you could say he really didn't help Detroit at all and it was more like he was using them to try to get a Cup. His decision to sign with Detroit obviously did not work.

But what if he had signed with Pittsburgh? He was offered roughly $7 million a year over the course of several years to say with the Pens. If he had signed that deal, how would this team have looked? Miroslav Satan and his $3.5 million salary obviously wouldn't have been signed which wouldn't have been a great loss. But would they have signed Ruslan Fedotenko? Would there have been enough money to sign Brooks Orpik long term? What about the $5 million a year extension to Marc-Andre Fleury? Could we have kept both Crosby and Malkin? Would they have gotten rid of the albatross Ryan Whitney for Chris Kunitz? Would they have acquired Bill Guerin to help Crosby have fun playing hockey again? Would they not have been in 10th place which necessitated the move to Dan Bylsma? We'll never know the answers to those questions, but one could imagine the Pens not having the same result as this year. Players would have been different, the coaching staff might have been different, and the end result might have been different. So it seems like no matter what Hossa chose to do, he was going to come out on the losing end of it all again.

So what does Hossa do now? He has come out in the Detroit papers as saying: "Detroit is at the top of my list, for sure," Hossa said. "But with today's economy, it's hard to plan something ahead. We're going to try our best to figure something out. Obviously, if you want to stay on a great team, you're willing to take less." Pens fans heard the same tune last year just before he bolted for supposedly greener pastures.

Early estimates are saying that he would have to take between 3.5 million and 5 million to stay in Detroit because of their cap situation. They have 19 players signed for next season at roughly $53.5 million with the salary cap sitting at $56.7 million (which could go up slightly). The situation as it stands now is that they have $3.2 million available to sign three or four forwards and a backup goaltender. Their other free agents are Mikael Samuelsson, Jiri Hudler (restricted), Ty Conklin, Tomas Kopecky and Ville Leino (restricted). I honestly don't see how they could sign Hossa at this point, but I guess anything is possible. They could potentially sign Nick Lidstrom to a long term deal and reduce his $7.45 million cap hit or trade away a high priced guy like Brian Ralfalski ($6 million) or Brad Stuart ($3.75 million). Either way, I don't see him coming back.

So now Hossa has a little over a week to ponder his future. He probably wants to come back to Pittsburgh because we now have the best chance of winning the Stanley Cup next year, but that would be a cold day in Hell before that happened. Miro just checked the forecast in Hades and it seems like it is going to stay hot for a while.

Sorry Marian.